


The Best Bakery In The City

by Peanutsfan1



Series: The Best Bakery series [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: DenNor, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, HongIce, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Murder, Multi, Small mentions of abuse, SuFin, Undercover, Undercover Missions, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26340454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peanutsfan1/pseuds/Peanutsfan1
Summary: Mathias Køhler was feeling quite confident. The week started with his Captain approaching him with the best case, an undercover mission to investigate the crime organisation run by the Bondevik family.Turns out this case isn't as simple as Mathias thought. As he keeps running into obstacles, he has to deal with the ever-present fear that he will be found out. Can he take down this criminal organisation without being discovered? And is Lukas Bondevik as terrifying as he let's on?(Partly inspired by the end of season 1 of Brooklyn 99, one of my favourite shows)
Relationships: Belarus/Norway (Hetalia), Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia), Hong Kong/Iceland (Hetalia)
Series: The Best Bakery series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166162
Comments: 21
Kudos: 21





	1. I knew my favourite bakery was too good to be true

I guess you can say that my week so far has been... interesting to say the least. Who would have imagined that my captain would approached me with an amazing opportunity (case-wise)? Sure, I'm having to go undercover for God knows how long but this is the best case I've ever been offered. A chance to investigate one of the biggest crime organisations in the city, run by the Bondevik family. Muttering words under my breath, I start to recite the facts I've researched. This helps calm my nerves despite the fact that not much is known about the family. But the lack of evidence is why I'm being sent in. This is my time to shine.   
Tapping my foot on the pavement, I glance around the alleyway I'm calling my home for now. Hopefully, a member of the organisation will find me and then, like a hacker, I'm in. Thankfully, my precinct came up with a good reason on why they should trust an ex-cop. All it took was some evidence, news articles and a fake trial. Now, I'm wanted for stealing money from my precinct and disappearing after being found guilty. They'll think I'm one of them because my fake plan was so elaborate that, if the one fake thing hadn't gone wrong, no one would be able to trace it back to me. I mean, I did come up with the elaborate fake plan myself, so the credit does go to me. This must be what it feels to be a fugitive. The adrenaline rush is certainly something, that's for sure.

I have to say though, it's now been a couple of hours and the adrenaline has worn off. I'm pretty bored. I miss the adrenaline of being on the run, this is just a drag. I have a phone on me, but it's got nothing on it apart from my captain's number. I puff my hair out of my eyes, I didn't have time to gel it up earlier. I hope the organisation has hair gel. God, I'm bored! This is my worst nightmare. Given that I'm such an excitable person, I hate not having something to do. I hate standing still. I don't have anything else on me, just my body (duh) and my phone. I keep repeating the facts, longing for something to happen. As soon as I finish mumbling these, I start again. This is my worst nightmare. I hate standing still.

"Hey, you." After hearing my own voice for what feels like years, my ears prick as soon as someone else speaks. Turning my head, I notice a woman in a trench coat, glaring daggers at me. Blonde hair reaches just above her waist, a white ribbon perched on top of her head. She looks like she wants me dead and that doesn't surprise me in the least. I'm used to others wanting me dead - it's been in my job description ever since I became a police detective. "Ja? What do ya want?" I snap, trying to get into character. "You're the cop on the run aren't you?" I narrow my eyes, that's it Mathias, try out-intimidate her. You're going to need to establish that nothing scares you. "So what if I am? What's it to you? Gonna turn me in?" I taunt, a playful tone, mocking her. That's it. Well done. "Actually, no. I've been looking for you all over. I want to offer you a job, make sure that your talents are best used." She steps forward, clearly unfazed by my stony expression, an even stonier one decorating her features. Damn. Ok, I'm not good at intimidation. Damn the fact that I'm like an excitable puppy. What was Kirkland thinking giving me this case? "What kind of job?" I fold my arms, maintaining eye contact the whole time. "The best job a fugitive like yourself needs. To work for the Bondevik organisation, I'm sure you've heard of us." She smirks though not as much as I am internally. Ha. Hacker voice: 'I'm in'. "I have. You feel like I would be the perfect member?" Finally, I'm not bored anymore. Oh! And bonus, I'm going to be part of the organisation! "We need more brains like yours. You interested?" Absolutely. I tell her so. "Then let's go."

I didn't expect it to be this easy, but it seems they want me. Sweet. Speaking of sweet, we go to one of my favourite bakeries, slipping through back alleys on the account that I'm now wanted. No, not this adorable shop that sells the best Danishes in the city. Ah shit, just my luck that this is probably where the Bondevik headquarters are. As we head inside, I'm greeted by the man who is always at the register, a man who also seems unfazed that a 'wanted criminal' has walked into their store. Oh no... Not this place. Please not this place. "We'll take two cupcakes please," the stern blonde next to me says. Maybe it's not a place run by criminals? I hope not. "Coming right up, Miss Arlovskaya!" I expect him to start putting the delicious treats in a bag or something, but he presses a button. Oh no. Glancing around, I notice the shop's empty. All the more convenient for them. That's when the back of the shop opens up to show a passageway and I start inwardly cursing. Fucking shit.

The stern blonde grabs my arm and tugs me towards the passageway. We strut downwards at a brisk pace, heading under the ground. Ah shit. So my favourite bakery is a crime organisation's headquarters? Just my luck! "Here we are," she states in a monotonous voice. And yep, that is certainly a headquarters. I guess I've found it. Didn't take long. People rush about, many typing furiously at their computers, a few arguing with each other here and there. One of the fights seems to escalate, capturing the attention of everyone in the room. They both pull out pocketknives and start circling each other like hawks, everyone around them beginning to yell: "Fight! Fight! Fight!" The only person that isn't involved in this drama is a white-haired kid sitting at a table to himself, a book laid out in front of him. He glances over at the growing chaos, rolls his eyes (which look purple from over here) and begins reading again. Good luck with that over the noise.

There's a blur of movement and suddenly the two fighters are practically on other sides of the room. In the middle of them is a very attractive man. Holy shit, he's hot. His indigo eyes narrow at the two fighters, his blond hair cut into an undercut with the rest flopping slightly over the left side of his face (his right). A black cross earring dangles under his right ear (my right, not his) and a curl protrudes from the side of the floppy hair. And hot damn, he is my type. Get it together, Mathias, now's not the time to become a gay mess. "Stop this nonsense immediately. Get back to work everyone!" His voice is firm and straight away everyone goes back to work, no complaining at all. Wow, that was over quickly. Hot dude walks over to the white-haired guy at the table and has a small conversation with him. I can't hear a word they're saying but it doesn't really matter to me. It's probably not important. After they're done with their conversation, hot dude makes his way over to us after linking eyes with the stern blonde (who apparently is called Arlovskaya)(Is she Russian? I don't know).

"Who the hell is this, Natalya?" His strange coloured eyes narrow once more. I'm going to assume that Natalya is the stern blonde. Natalya Arlovskaya, must remember that name. "Haven't you seen the news over the past few days, sir? This is Mathias Køhler, he's wanted by the NYPD after stealing from them and disappearing after being found guilty," she replies, tone flat. "Stealing from the NYPD? Never heard of that before..." He raises his eyebrows sarcastically. "He was a police officer and had a really clever, elaborate plan. His great ideas could be put to work here, sir." She explains and remains emotionless. At least hot dude has shown an emotion, even if that emotion is sarcasm. "Well, I'm not the one you have to convince, Natalya. Worry about convincing my mother and father instead," His eyes catch mine, revealing nothing. Although what he just said was interesting, Natalya will have to convince his parents. His parents probably being the leaders of this organisation, meaning he's a Bondevik. Crap, why does he have to be so attractive? Judging by the fact that he's an adult man, he must be Lukas Bondevik. Lukas is the eldest son of the two leaders, aged 35, and no one in the NYPD knows what his role in the organisation is. All we know is that he's a member. And now that he's hella hot too (but I might be biased in that sense).

He begins to turn around and head off but then he pauses. "Oh, and Køhler?" He stares me down and I realise that the glare Natalya gave me earlier was nothing. This glare is so powerful and murderous, it sends shivers down my spine. Now this is a person who truly wants me dead. "You better watch your back. If anyone here is given a reason why they can't trust you, you'll experience a very slow and very painful death. We wouldn't want that to happen, would we?" His tone just makes me even more terrified of him, a creepy smile dusting his cheeks. I start to grasp for a reply, but my brain appears to have frozen. The corners of his mouth then twitch into small smirk, satisfied with my reaction, and leaves. I stand still for a few seconds afterwards, petrified. And that my friends, is Lukas Bondevik. Hot but deadly, it appears.

"Sorry about him. It's his job to be intimidating though that also spills into his personal life. He's like that with everyone except his brother, Emil. If you think that interaction is bad, try dating him," Natalya sighs, conveying that she isn't actually a robot and is human. So that was Lukas, I thought so. "Did you... you know...?" I hint at the last thing she said. "I dated him for a while. Wasn't great but you now have to count the fact that he was in the closest while we were dating." Ok, remember self, Lukas and Natalya dated. And good news, Lukas is gay. Yes! Wait, no. I remind myself why I shouldn't date him: you're on duty, he's a criminal, it will be a nightmare, he hates you. "Oh, really?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "Da, but he doesn't really date anyway. He's out to everyone and good news for him is that his family is fine with it." So, they're down with crime but don't have a problem with homosexuality. Weird mix of priorities. I guess I've got to keep in mind that criminals are people too. The list of reminders are certainly building up.

We meet with Kjetil Bondevik (aged 60) and his wife Kristín Bondevik (aged 57), leaders of the organisation. My familiarity with the organisation ends here as I know no more information. That damn lack of information. However, that is why I am here. Let's go. Natalya explains why I should join their ranks and they listen eagerly to my story. They seem normal for the most part but that just makes them even more suspicious. What are you hiding? They also appear to be less suspicious of me than Lukas. Maybe it's just Lukas that is overwhelmingly untrusting? I'll have to win him over then. It's going to take a while.

And after that conversation, I'm sort of part of the organisation now. There's some kind of probationary period for two months. After I pass that, I'll be a proper member. As long as nothing goes wrong. Nothing should go wrong. I hope it doesn't go wrong.

Please, let me come out of this mission alive. Please, let nothing go wrong...  
Please.


	2. For once I suck at socialising.

Well, I now have a room to sleep in. It appears that this place has bedrooms for all the members, along with connecting ensuite bathrooms (thank God, I don’t want to shower with a bunch of people in the same room)(you must be fucking kidding me). Unfortunately, my bedroom is right next to Lukas Bondevik’s, which has increased the rate at which we see one another. Every time I try to greet him politely and with a small smile, and every time he gives me nothing more than a death glare. Which may not sound like much but trust me, the dude has perfected this death glare to immediately terrify whoever is on the receiving end of it. Oh well, that guy can rot in hell for all I care. Why is it that a lot of attractive people are given crappy personalities? I get that it has to even out but is it so much to ask for an attractive person with a great personality? Not that I would be able to date him anyway (on account of he’s a criminal) but can he at least be pleasant to work with? My God.

Enough with complaining about Lukas Bondevik. Let me tell you about my room. On the whole, it’s sort of medium sized and L-shaped (you come in the door and then go round a corner, boom you’re in the bigger section of your room). I have full sized bed (larger than a twin, smaller than a queen) which could fit two people if you wanted to. The bed has plain white sheets and I’ve been told I can decorate my room over my time here, other than that, the room itself is pretty plain. There’s not much else to it. It even has plain white walls. Boring in my opinion. Yeah, I’m going to decorate the hell out of this. I do fancy myself to be quite the decorator. It’s a shame I don’t have anything from home. I mean, I have one thing, but you can’t decorate your room with it.

Speaking of the thing, I dig it out from under my shirt. It’s one of those necklaces you put a picture in. The picture itself is of myself, Berwald (my brother) and his husband Tino who are my family and best friends. I haven’t really had much connection with my parents after Ber and I came out. I guess that’s just how it goes. So, you could say Tino and Berwald are my only family. My only family. It might be years until I can see them again. That is, if I make it out of this case alive. I may even come out as a different man. Nothing may ever be the same… Ok, Mathias, don’t psych yourself out. You can do this. You can do such a good job that you’ll be able to see your family quicker than you thought. By the end of this year! I can do this. Glancing back at the photo, I remember when it was taken. Tino’s first day at our precinct.

_“Um, hi there,” a short blond-haired man that I’ve never seen before greets me. “Hi… Can I help you?” I question, perhaps he has a query. The man himself has sort of a dorky appearance, not saying that to be rude, wearing a white shirt with a grey waistcoat over the top. He’s slightly chubby and round faced but overall quite cute. Not my type though. I guess you could say that my type of guy is those who constantly wear a leather jacket, you know, punk guys. Don’t know why but they’re hella attractive. “I’m Tino V_ _äinämöinen_ _. I just transferred from the 35 th precinct?” Oh crap. He’s a cop not a civilian. Whoops, I definitely misjudged why he was here. I really should stop judging people based on their appearances. He sticks his hand out and I shake it, “Mathias K_ _ø_ _hler, pleasure to meet my new co-worker!” He grins at me, “It’s a pleasure to meet you too.”_

_I show him around the precinct in all its wonders. “Where are you from, Tino? Your surname is certainly unusual, although I’m one to talk.” I present the break room to him, my brother currently sitting down on the sofa, drinking a cup of coffee. “I’m Finnish so hence the weird name. I’m guessing you’re Scandinavian. Sorry if I’m wrong.” My brother glances up from what he’s doing, I wave at him, but he immediately gets preoccupied with something else. That something being our new co-worker. His mouth has fallen open and his eyes are wide. I’ve only seen this look a couple of times before and it means one thing. Berwald Oxenstierna is in love. “Ja. Half Danish, half Swedish. And this is my brother, Berwald. He also works here,” I gesture to the now human statue. “Hi! I’m Tino, it’s lovely to meet you!” He holds out his hand again. Berwald stares at it like it’s a foreign object but finally shakes it, the expression of love still plastered all over his face. He doesn’t say anything, appearing to have lost all of his braincells. Ber, your gay is showing and it’s showing bad. I glance over to Tino and his expression is pure confusion, a fake smile now decorating his features. Dammit Ber! You’re blowing this first impression! I need to turn this around, fast. “Let’s take a picture to commemorate your first day here, Tino.” I dig out my phone and drag my brother into the shot. Whispering at him to look normal for once, I hold it out. Tino smiles, a real smile this time. I grin and my brother puts on what might be mistaken for a straight face but even he is smiling. “Oh, look at that! It’s a beauty!”_

A sad smile stretches across my cheeks. I miss them so much. I must say that it is a miracle the two ended up married after that disastrous first interaction. They are an adorable couple though. I’m starting to swallow a lot. Oh God, please don’t start crying. They’ll eat you alive if they see you cry. However, the tears still start to blur my vision, an aching feeling in my chest. I miss them. I miss them so much. “Hi, are you ok?” I hear someone speaking to me, a new voice. They’ll eat you alive. “I mean, that was a stupid question to ask as you’re crying.” I can’t see clearly but they appear at my side. From the sound of the voice I’d have to guess male, but people can be any gender they feel most comfortable in nowadays so my guess might not be correct. Bringing a hand up to my face, I rub the tears away and try get a good look at the other person in my room. Oh, I’ve seen them before. It’s the white-haired kid from yesterday. “Oh, I’m fine. Really, I’m ok.” They’ll eat you alive in this place. “You are anything but fine. What’s wrong?” He furrows his eyebrows slightly. Many things are wrong. I miss my family, there’s the overwhelming fear that I’ll be found out, the fear that I’m going to blow this case, regardless of whether my cover gets blown.

“I just miss my family. I guess you could say I’m homesick,” I sigh. I feel like I can tell him. I mean, he’s a kid, surely he wouldn’t judge. “Ah, I guess they wouldn’t approve of your lifestyle now. I’m sorry about that. I wouldn’t know what I’d do without my brother, don’t tell him I said that though,” he places his hand on my shoulder. “Thanks, that means a lot. I’m Mathias, not sure if you’d already heard,” I hold my hand out and he returns the gesture, shaking my hand. “I knew, mainly because you’re new and new people often stick out like sore thumbs. I’m Emil, Emil Bondevik.” Wait, this is Lukas’ brother? But he seems so… not asshole-ish. “So… that locket’s picture… is that your family?” Are you sure you’re a Bondevik, dude? You’re nothing like your brother. “Yeah. Me, my brother Berwald and his now-husband Tino.” I glance at Emil; his eyebrows are raised slightly. Surely he’s not judging Ber? I mean, his brother’s gay. No, Mathias come on, not everyone is homophobic.

“That’s cool. They must be nice people.” Ah, so that’s the response. Ok, see? You just jumped to conclusions as normal. You need to stop doing that. You always end up judging someone mentally before you know the full story. “They are. I’m surprise you’re cool talking to me. Most people are judging me on the fact that I used to be a cop,” I make direct eye contact with him. I know it’s a criminal organisation and all, but I want to make a friend. It will be easier if I make a friend. Everyone seems to be treating me like human garbage so far. Except for Emil. “That’s because I’m not a member of the organisation. It doesn’t concern me.” Seeing him up close, his eyes really are a shade of violet. It’s so weird yet such a nice look as well. “You’re a Bondevik though. Shouldn’t you be a member?” I look down at my hands and start twiddling my thumbs (something I tend to do when talking to people). “I’m too young. You start training at the age of eighteen. Then, you become a full-fledged member at twenty-one and you get tattooed to commemorate it. The tattoo is the organisation’s symbol and then a tally of all the years you’ve been a member, you’ll receive one at the end of every year. You’re currently in probation which will last for two months. This is because you are over the age of twenty-one and haven’t received any training, though many others have a lot of experience in the field.” He crosses his arms, satisfied with the amount of information he’s just dropped on me. I’ll need to jot that down later.

We continue talking for a while longer. Emil told me that he’s very asocial and the only reason he started talking to me was because he can’t stand it when someone is crying. He added afterwards that this conversation is nice and he’s quite relaxed now. Everything seems to be going fine until he brings up his brother, I immediately groan out of reflex. He raises his eyebrows, “I take it you don’t get on well with him?” Well, yeah, he’s a dick. I like to get on well with everyone but when it comes to Lukas Bondevik, that rule goes out the window. “He’s such a dick, Em. How are you related to him?” I retort back. Ugh, that hot blond man with a crap personality. How, Emil, how? “Lukas and I are actually very similar and I’m not talking about resemblance. He’s not that bad, he’s really nice around me. Maybe it’s just you?” How could he say that? The two are nothing alike. “You are nothing like him. And besides, I’m pretty sure you’re just the exception given that you are related. He’s much different with everyone else,” I huff, crossing my arms. “That’s probably appearances to be fair. In his position, you can’t afford to make friends and someone like you he has to be naturally suspicious of. It’s one of the negatives in being the bosses’ son. Probably how I’ll have to be in the future.” He replies and, to be honest, that makes a lot of sense. Maybe it is just his job. Maybe he just needs to be intimidating and threatening. I still will think he’s a dick until he proves me otherwise. “I see,” is all I say in response and add a nod.

All this talk of intimidation is making me think of my brother. Berwald is a sweet guy but he is completely unaware of how terrifying he looks sometimes. It took Tino a while to get used to him. I know I’ve seen practically all the different sides of him, even when he’s been scared.

_“Mads, can I talk to you for a second?” Berwald sits down next to me. He looks nervous, something another person wouldn’t be able to tell, but I can. There are tiny beads of sweat on his forehead, he’s biting his lip slightly but, other than that, he looks like he normally does. To me though, he’s nervous. Something’s wrong. “Did another girl ask you to break up with me for her? You’re looking like you did back then, dude.” Honestly though, once a girl did ask Berwald to tell me that she was dumping me. Didn’t even have the guts to do it herself. I really liked her too. “No. Nothing like that.” He’s glancing at his lap. Who did this to my brother? What the hell happened? “I, um, wanted to tell you something. Not sure how you’ll take it though.” Another thing is that Berwald doesn’t talk a lot to other people, but he knows I won’t judge him no matter what he says. He’s more likely to judge me than I am to judge him. “Hey, bro, you know I love you no matter what. What’s bothering you? Is it that I was planning on pranking you soon? Did ya find out?” We have to stick together, me and him. I’ve always been more sociable, but I hang out with him because, well, he sucks at socialising. School’s a nightmare to him when he’s not in lessons. “You were going to prank me?” He frowns. Clearly not that then. “No, it’s, um, it’s the fact that, um, I’m gay.” He finally looks me in the eyes, slight tears forming. This is what’s wrong? Oh God, how long has he spent worrying about telling me this? “It’s ok, Ber. I told you, I love you no matter what,” I pull him into a hug and his arms wrap around me. “Thank you for understanding, Mads. For the record, I love you no matter what too.”_

“Hey, Mathias, you ok?” Emil’s waving his hand in front of my eyes, an expression of concern spread over his face. “Ja, sorry. Just zoned out for a bit,” I laugh, as if my zoning out were nothing. In reality though, I’m now depressed again, back to square one. Back to missing my family more than anything. It’s a horrible feeling. I would discuss it with Emil, but I don’t know him well enough for that. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to tell him everything anyway. We say goodbye when he says he needs to do his homework due tomorrow. It was a nice distraction but now I’m back to the way I was before. I feel comfort in the fact that I now have a friend. Of course though, what are friends when you’re undercover in a criminal organisation? Just distractions from the crushing fear inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, to explain two things in this chapter so some characters don't seem OOC. I headcanon Sweden to be able to relax around Denmark more so his sentences are longer when talking to him. With other people though, he becomes the guy we know and love in the anime/manga. With Iceland, I can imagine that if he came across someone crying, he would try to help them out. He seems like he doesn't care but deep down, he does and will go out of his way to cheer someone up if they appear upset.
> 
> OK... I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know your thoughts in the comments, I always love reading them and I will always reply! :)


	3. Seems this criminal organisation is worse than I thought.

If you’d told me two months ago that I would manage to last two months undercover in a criminal organisation without being found out, I probably would’ve doubted you. But here I am, alive, still very much undercover. I’ve just come back from getting tattooed with the organisation’s symbol. There are no lines yet to count the years I’ve been here because, well, obviously I haven’t been here for a year. What can I say about getting tattooed for the first time? It fucking hurts. It hurts so goddamn much. Jesus Christ. I knew it would hurt but good Lord. Yeah, so I’m here, bandages covering the permanent artwork. I wonder what I’ll do when this is all over. Will I keep the tattoo of a criminal organisation on the top of my left arm? Unclear. I also wonder whether this will lead me to getting more tattoos. Again, the future is unclear. That is, if I even survive this undercover mission. There’s a lot riding on me. Especially since I’m the second person to ever go undercover in this organisation. There was one, about seventeen years ago, who was never heard from again about fifteen years ago. We are uncertain what happened. Did they die? Or become a permanent part of the organisation? No one knows. Doesn’t make me feel any better if you ask me.

The part I play in the organisation is that I’m a member of the technology department. I’m the farthest thing from being in charge of the department. No, instead that role goes to Lukas fucking Bondevik. Of course I was placed in the very area he’s in charge of. God, why do our interactions have to be maximised! It’s like life hates me, for fuck’s sake. First our rooms are right next to each other, now we have to work together. And he’s my boss. Urgh. Though I am curious why the person who will inherit the entire organisation when his parents die is in the measly technology department. I mean, all we do is make records of all the decisions made in the organisation and keep records of all the imports and exports. Why is the ‘ever talented’ Lukas in charge of this department and not any of the others? It doesn’t make sense. Even Natalya Arlovskaya is in charge of training the new recruitments. Why technology? It doesn’t make any sense. Oh, though on the talk of what we do, I’ve figured out what the organisation does. It imports drugs and sells them for a profit among other illegal things. Now I just need evidence about it.

Besides that, I’ve now got to retrieve a written file from the file room and type it up. It’s the evening, I shouldn’t have to work right now. But, if you’re like me and want to get as far in the organisation as possible to find out more dark secrets, you’ve got to earn their trust. Which I am doing by sucking up. Big time. Opening the door to the file room, I stride through, locking eyes with my worst enemy. For fuck’s sake. Now I’m even more sure that life is trying to irritate me. Lukas fucking Bondevik, sitting cross-legged on a table, file perched on his lap, a leather jacket draped over his shoulders. He looks hot as usual, that I can’t deny but he gives me a murderous glare as soon as he sees me. Fucking dick. “What do you want?” He spits and God, I hate him so much. “A file. I’m doing some extra work.” Is all I add, I’m not willing to take his bait. I head over to the cabinet where the file is most likely to be located, Lukas’ eyes constantly on me. “Suck up,” I hear him whisper, but I ignore it. The only reason I’m a suck up is to take your precious organisation down, so I’ll have the last laugh, Bondevik. I succeed in locating the file and turn around, ready to leave the room. Instead of concentrating on whatever he was supposed to be doing, Lukas is still staring at me, his indigo eyes seemingly permanently glued to my chest and face. Anger boiling up in my stomach, I come to the conclusion that I’m fed up of all of this. It needs to stop. Now.

“What is your fucking problem, dude? I get your ‘almighty presence’ in this organisation prevents you from making friends but for fuck’s sake, you don’t have to be a dick about it! All I’ve ever been is pleasant to you, but you’ve not once acted like a decent fucking person. I’m done being pleasant to you. I’m done.” I gesture wildly using my one free hand, voice raised, a furious look in my eyes, and I’m pretty sure I flip him off at one point. I’m done. If he doesn’t want to be a decent person, then I won’t either. He’s quiet for a section of time and then, “Good. I never asked you to be pleasant to me,” his voice is steady and composed and it fucking pisses me off more. “You think you’re so much better than everyone and that you can just treat people how ever you want. Well, end the spoilt rich kid act right now.” At this, his head snaps back up, eyes narrowed into slits and he pushes himself off the table. “Spoilt rich kid act? Clearly you don’t know anything about me. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, I just want to maximise the chance of not making friends. Don’t judge until you know your facts, Køhler,” he stands inches away from me, eyes still narrowed in annoyance, chest rising up and down quickly. So he is pissed off, huh. “Hypocrite. You’ve done nothing but judge me since I arrived here, on the basis that I used to be a cop. So listen to yourself, bud.” I poke my finger into his chest and his expression appears to be debating whether to break my finger or not. “Oh, I’m sorry if one out of the two friends I’ve had in my life turned out to be an undercover cop. You want to know what happened to him? He was murdered. Brutally. In front of me. So sorry if I don’t want to get hurt again.”

So the one before me did get killed. I thought so. Lukas’ face is now all scrunched up and he looks like he might cry. Lukas Bondevik is on the verge of tears. I’m in disbelief. He didn’t seem the type to cry. I stammer for words, not sure what to reply. “What were you doing in here anyway?” I ask, all my anger deflating like a balloon. He silently grabs the file he was reading and holds it out to me. It’s a person’s file. I recognise the guy’s picture, his floppy brown hair, a slight smile. It’s the cop who was undercover here before me. The one who was murdered in front of Lukas. “Today is the anniversary of his death. I come in here because no one else does at this time and read his file. This room provides me with a quiet place to mourn.” Oh crap. Shit. He’s so vulnerable right now and I completely misread the situation. The reason he was glaring at me was because he wanted to be alone, alone to mourn. Shit shit shit shit shit. “I’m so sorry, Lukas. I didn’t know. I… I’m really sorry…” I trail off of my feeble apology, watching him try blink back a few tears. “It’s alright. Sorry that I’ve been a dick. Having a reason doesn’t necessarily excuse my behaviour,” he glances down at his shoes and right now I just want to give him a hug. He looks like he needs it but I’m also certain he’d push me away if I tried. Baby steps, Mathias.

I’m about to leave him alone, having caused him enough extra pain, when I hear a scream. A shrill, deafening scream. “What the fuck?” I mutter, ready to go run to help whoever’s in agony but Lukas grabs my arm. “Don’t.” Is all he says, his tone authoritative. “Why shouldn’t I go help a person in pain? Please enlighten me,” I sneer, annoyed slightly at Lukas again. We were doing so well… “That’s just how things go here, newbie. When you fuck up you get punished. And no one, I mean, no one interferes. You hear me? Don’t go get yourself unnecessarily hurt,” we lock eyes again, his begging me to stay and do as he’s just instructed. I comply, sighing. If I’m going to survive this lesson I’m going to have to learn how people react in situations. The screams continue, as if begging me to help, they consume every inch of my brain. I should help. I should help. That’s a human person being hurt. I should help. I should help. Wincing at every shrill scream, I finally clamp my hands over my ears, trying to drown them out. It helps but only slightly. Lukas is biting his lip, standing completely still, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Concern at me, I think.

He places his hand on my arm, just below my aching tattoo, “Are you alright?” I can’t hear his words but based on reading his lips I can work out what he’s saying. I shake my head multiple times, “This is sick. It’s so fucking sick.” What are you doing moron? Go help them! What if they die because you didn’t go stop this? No. No. No. No. No. I wouldn’t be able to help anyone if I get found out. I shake my head again, trying disperse the thoughts from my brain. Go help them. It’s your duty to protect others, Mathias. It’s why you were put on this Earth. No. No. No. No. No. I can’t interfere. I can’t.

I can’t.

Yes you can. Come on. Do it.

Help them, Mathias.

It’s your duty…

Duty…

My duty to protect others.

HELP THEM!

I… I…

I can’t. I’m sorry. So, so sorry.

“Mathias fucking Køhler!” I’m snapped out of my temporary insanity by Lukas, who is shaking me really hard, his usual ‘tough guy’ look replaced with pure concern. I remove my hands from my ears, feeling my ears sting. I guess I was digging my nails into them. Ouch. The screams return in their full loudness, not seeming to have died out. “Are you ok?” Lukas stares deep into my eyes, his own wide. “Uh… no. Sorry about that. Are they going to be ok?” I gesture in the direction that the screams are coming from. “They should be, after a while. My parents rarely kill people, only on extreme occasions,” He says it so nonchalantly that I realise here and now that this is normal for him. Being tortured for messing up, normal. People being murdered, also normal. He’s so used to it that he’s become desensitised to it. It’s a sad reality to face and it makes me feel sorry for him. How many others have gone through the same? “Your ears are bleeding,” He sighs, dragging me to the nearest first aid kit. It’s while he’s using an antibacterial wipe to clean the blood off my ears I note that Lukas Bondevik, as desensitised as he is, still has compassion. Even if he doesn’t show it. I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t hate Lukas anymore; he seems ok deep down. Just took a while to see that.

The screams finally die down and I sigh with relief. I thank Lukas for his help, apologise for bothering him again and head off to my room to do the extra work I was originally intending to do. After I’ve finished the work, I fish out the phone Captain gave me and dial his number. The tone is flat but after a few seconds, “Hello, Køhler. How’s everything going?” I grin at the familiar voice; it seems like ages since I heard one of my past lives’ voice. “Everything’s great, Captain. I’m now part of the organisation and have the tattoo as proof. I’ve got a basic understanding of how this organisation works. I’ll gather more information in the future.” I think back to earlier, now with the knowledge that there’s human torture and murder going on in this criminal organisation. Man, these people are going to get long sentences. “Very nice, Køhler. Keep up the good work. I hope to speak to you soon.” Kirkland then hangs up, leaving me without a link to my past life again. Dammit. He didn’t even tell me how everyone is. I guess I’ll just have to maintain my cover, gather info, and get out of here so I can see them as fast as possible.

That seems like a good plan. That is, until I feel arms going around my neck, one hand holding a knife to my throat, the serious voice of Lukas Bondevik in my right ear saying, “I knew you were an undercover cop.” Ah shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said earlier today that I'd update one of my other fics. Well, that was a big fat lie. I got bored so I crunched this chapter out today XD
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! Please let my know your thoughts in the comments.


	4. A lesson on how to smile.

Many thoughts race through my mind, the majority being expletives. Shit. I was doing so well! Of course, one mistake and it’s all over. I didn’t lock the door. I should have locked the door. Why didn’t I lock the fucking door? It’s all over. Just one mistake destroyed everything. Typical. Hearing my heartbeat echoing in my ears, I flashback to what Lukas told me earlier. The last undercover cop was brutally murdered. Great. So great. This is the end. I thought I’d be able to make it through at least a little while longer. Just a little longer. I thought I’d be able to say goodbye to Berwald and Tino, tell them how much I love them, perhaps get closure with my parents. Now I’ll never get to. I thought I’d be able to ace this case. It was my big moment. That doesn’t matter now. All I can do is pray for the next person to take this job. Please, do a better job than I did. Be careful at every turn. Don’t get caught. Please, be safe. This is the end for me, but they still have a long life left. Someone out there will take this place down. Someone. There has to be. Someone has to take them down. Do what I couldn’t.

_“Hey Captain, what are you calling me in for? And who is this?” I close the door to Kirkland’s office, an unknown person sitting right next to my captain. “K_ _ø_ _hler, this is Eduard von Bock, from the FBI. He has a case for one of the squad,” Kirkland is as blank faced as usual, his thick black eyebrows raised. Eduard smiles slightly at me, his hand adjusting the black glasses perched on his face. Blond hair frames his face, bangs sweeping across the top of his eyebrows, a blue waistcoat decorating his torso. “What kind of case?” I ask, removing my hands from my trouser pockets. Formal setting, Mathias. Don’t blow this. Eduard glances down at the file open in front of him, “An undercover position, involving the Bondevik family.” Holy shit, is he serious? The Bondeviks? No way. And they want one of us? “You’re kidding,” I scoff, Kirkland sighing after hearing my response. “I assure you, I’m serious. Captain Kirkland said you should pick out who you think should take this case.” You what now? Me? Now I really think this is a prank. “You want my opinion?” They nod and I glance back out to where all my co-workers are._

_This case could take forever, that means people would be away from their loved ones for years. Yikes. Berwald, my brother, I couldn’t suggest him. He’s a great detective, yes, but he has a husband. Tino and Berwald couldn’t be apart for that long. They’d go insane. Guess that rules out Tino then. Berwald would have been so good at intimidation too. Ugh. Counting down all the people in the squad, I realise everyone is in a serious, committed relationship. I couldn’t do that to anyone. That does leave one, though. Me. I have no one important in my life, besides Tino and Berwald. I can’t split people up. Guess it’s left to me. “I know who should do this. Me. Let me go undercover.” I turn back around to the two. Their eyes have widened considerably, “You want to take the case?” Kirkland questions, his mouth slightly open. “Ja. Please let me do it. I won’t let you down.” The two men exchange looks, my captain sighing. Eduard looks down at the file once more and then back at me, “Ok, welcome to the case, Mathias. Good luck.”_

‘I won’t let you down’… It seems I did anyway. Typical. Just two months and I’ve already blown it. “Answer me, Køhler,” Lukas taps the knife against my neck, as if reminding me that I’m about to die. “Fine,” I groan, “You got me. I’m an undercover cop.” No point denying it. He caught me red-handed. “How did you know, apart from the obvious phone call?” I can feel his breath down my neck, his hands having a steady grip to restrict my movements. “You obviously didn’t belong here. Just earlier you had a breakdown because someone was in pain, any normal criminal wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. You are far too cheery for this position, though it was a nice surprise when you snapped at me earlier. You almost had me fooled. Almost.” Yep, my personality let me down. I knew my brother would’ve been better for this. Lukas and I were just starting to understand each other too. “Are you going to kill me? If so, please do it quickly,” I mutter, just loud enough so he can hear me. “I’m not going to kill you. I’m not a murderer,” He whispers, loosening his grip slightly. “I’m not turning you in to my parents either.” At this, he drops his arm, the knife coming away from my throat. You what?

“And why aren’t you doing that?” I wriggle out of his loose grip and turn to face him. “I don’t want it to end like last time. I’m fed up of them killing people I care about.” My eyes widen at the last part, a slight blush working its way onto my cheeks. “You care about me?” He freezes, realising what he said. “I don’t know. Possibly. Don’t push it, Køhler,” Lukas folds his arms, his blond eyebrows furrowed slightly. It’s a cute look but now’s not the time. I have no clue what’s happening. Am I dying or not? Can someone please tell me. He grabs me by the arm and yanks my into his bedroom. So I am dying? Help me, I’m so lost. While I stand there, trying to figure out what the hell is happening, he locks his door, something I clearly forgot to do. “Ok. This room is soundproof so no one can hear us.” Great. I’m dying. Of course, he lolled me into a sense of false security. Typical. Abso-fucking-lutely typical. Our eyes meet, and his become wide, a hand flying up to his mouth. “You look like I’m about to slit your throat. I’m not going to kill you, Mathias. I just want to talk in private.” He called me Mathias. He’s never done that before. Lukas Bondevik walks closer, his lips pursed, a slightly nervous look decorating his beautiful features. What he said next took be completely by surprise.

“I want to help you. I want, no, I need to take down this organisation. Please let me help you. I can teach you how to not get caught. Please, Mathias. Please.” My mouth is hanging open. He wants to help me. He wants to take down his own family. What. The. Hell. Is. Happening. “How do I know you won’t double-cross me, Lukas?” I will gladly accept help over death, but I need to be sure this won’t end in death for me. Otherwise, I’d prefer dying right now to be honest. “Here’s what you need to know, if I rat you out after helping you, they wouldn’t care if I was on their side. They would kill me along with you. My parents wouldn’t even spare their own son. I’m serious, Mathias, I want to help.” Guess he’s legit. He wouldn’t risk his own life. “Why are you doing this? Is it to do with what you confessed earlier?” He’s inches away from me, a look of determination in his eyes. “My parents are horrible people, I’m only here because I had no other option. And ja, I can’t let another undercover cop be murdered. Not again,” Lukas places a hand on my right arm, “So, please. Can I help you?” All I do is nod and just like that, I now have a team member. Thing’s just got interesting.

_Two months later,_

“Ok, what do we do if someone says they now that a person has betrayed the organisation?” Lukas writes the question on the white board he managed to steal from one of the rooms. “Any thoughts, Køhler?” Ok, so basically Lukas is giving me lessons on how to remain uncaught and how to act like I’m an actual member. And, he’s transitioned back into referring to me by my last name. Calling me Mathias was a one-time thing. Shame. I scribble down an answer in my notebook which I keep underneath my mattress. “I keep calm, breathe normally, show no emotions, especially not panic. Also, I stare straight ahead and hope they don’t mean me.” We lock eyes, his purple ones unwavering. He nods. I got it right. It’s good having someone on my side who’s been a member for fourteen years. He knows all the ins and outs, what to do, what not to do. It’s great. “That concludes today’s lesson. You’re doing good, Køhler.” I grin at him, his mouth staying a straight line.

“Why don’t you smile, Lukas?” I close the notebook while he erases what’s on the board. He glances back at me, “I don’t see why I have to be happy when my life sucks.” Wow. Emo, much? I let out a small laugh, causing him to glare at me. “Seriously, though. I think you’d look nice if you smiled,” I spread my hands out, in a surrender stance. He sits cross-legged on the bed, directly opposite from me. “I don’t really know how to smile, Køhler. I’m not an expert like you,” He sighs, not making eye contact. “Hey, look. How about I teach you? You can teach me how to not get caught and, in return, I’ll show you what it’s like to have fun.” He’d look so cute smiling. I mean, I don’t have a crush on Lukas, but he is certainly hot. Like, he’s attractive in an objectively attractive way. You know what I mean? Um, yeah. I do not have a crush on him. 

Lukas

“So, what do I do? How do I smile?” He seems to do it so effortlessly. Even now, a smile is spread across his cheeks, touching many of his freckles. His blond mess of a hairstyle is resting against a black cushion, not making it appear any more normal. “It’s simple. You’ve just got to picture something you love and focus on that.” Something I love? What do I love exactly? And will it be enough to make me smile? Something I love. Something I love. Hmmm. What do I love? Looking around my bedroom, I try find something that I love. Sure, there’s things I like, but none really cause me to smile. Nothing. I come back to being face to face with Mathias Køhler. Him with his stupid grin, making it look so easy. He doesn’t know how good he has it. I mean, has he experienced loads of trauma in his life that makes him incapable of getting close to anyone? No. Can he smile freely without anything holding him back? Yes. I wish I had his life. It seems he’s realising I’m frowning so he places his hand on my shoulder, looking concerned. Why are certain emotions so easy for other people? Why can’t I think of one thing I love?

I stare into Mathias’ eyes, not knowing what else to do. His eyes are so blue, they’re like cornflowers and his eyes are beautiful, so beautiful. His freckles are littered all over his face, kind of like sprinkles. They’re cute. So cute. I feel calmer now, for some reason. He grins at me, another adorable smile. And then, I feel something I’ve never felt before. The corners of my mouth are spreading upwards and I’m smiling. I’m actually smiling! What does this mean, though? Am I- Am I actually in love with Mathias Køhler? “Wow, Lukas. You did it! I was right, you do look really nice when you smile!” He exclaims, full of happiness. I guess I have a lot to figure out. I may be in love with Mathias. Huh. Perhaps I am. I don’t know. It’s complicated. Isn’t it always?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the next chapter already? I've had so much motivation for this fic recently! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the interactions between both of our queer messes! Please let me know your thoughts in the comments :)


	5. A heart-to-heart and booze.

Lukas

“Am I finally doing this right?” Mathias Køhler whines, a knife about to leave his hand, aimed at a mannequin in the middle of the room. “No, again you need to put more wrist into it,” I sigh as it drops to the ground, inches away from its target. God this man is like a child. He groans and retrieves the knife from below the mannequin muttering, “I don’t get why this is necessary.” Looking down at the ground and pinching the bridge of my nose, I spit, “This is necessary because if you get found out they will kill you. You won’t always have access to a gun, you know. You’ve got to extend your arsenal and that includes throwing knives.” He’s picked it up by this point, an exasperated expression spread all over his face, his nose scrunched up in annoyance, sweat glistening on his forehead. It’s a weird look to find endearingly cute but I do. Silently, I’ve accepted my possible crush on Mathias. Well, I guess not possible, it’s very obvious to me, not that I like to admit that. I, begrudgingly, have a crush on Mathias Køhler. Goddammit. At least, this time I’m certain that I do have a crush. Last time ended disastrously. I don’t want a repeat. I guess not wanting a repeat is also why I’m helping Mathias achieve the impossible. That, and my parents are monsters that need to be stopped. Both are priorities.

By this point, he’s sat himself firmly on the floor, with a clear intention of staying there for a while. Moving forwards, I join him, watching as he heavily breathes in and out. “You alright?” I ask, trying not to show my concern. As Mathias and I have gotten closer, my emotional barrier seems to be collapsing, something I really hate. I’ve also practically cried in front of him, another thing I hate. If you’ve grown up in my shoes, you grow to loathe any sort of vulnerability within yourself. In this life, it’s the strong and confident who will constantly come on top. Not the weak and vulnerable. There’s no place for any kind of emotions, especially ones that highlight you as defenceless in others’ eyes. I guess I feel extra pressure to hide away my feelings because I’m male, it’s the societal norm. Guys don’t cry, that’s a sign of weakness. All these things we’re led to believe that simply aren’t true and have a lasting impact on others. I wish I could speak to Natalya right now; she would always understand what I meant. It’s the same for her really, she’s always been taught to lock away her feelings. She’d understand. However, talking to Natalya about my problems isn’t possible anymore. Not after what I did.

“Ja, I’m fine,” Mathias huffs, still catching his breath (we have been training for a while now), “You don’t seem to be though. You can try deny, Lukas, but I know you. You’re not ok.” And there it is. An actual observation from Mathias. He always seems to be oblivious, kind of stuck in his own world. He has a lot going on in his life, so I don’t blame him. He is interesting though, he’s managed to maintain the happy go-lucky attitude all through the past few months, no matter what’s thrown at him. And life has thrown a lot. “You got me,” I spread my hands in a surrender pose, one thing he’s used to, “I have a lot going through my mind and no one to talk to about it.” He brings a hand up, my brain automatically freezing thinking he’s going to kiss me. Instead, he wipes the sweat from his forehead, and I curse at myself inwardly. This is why I hate emotions. “What are you on about? You have me to talk to about it, go right ahead,” He grins, that adorable crooked smile lighting up his face. I can’t believe I have a crush on him. “Fine. I hate emotions. They are a sign of weakness, at least, they are how I was taught,” I press my lips firmly together, “And I wish I could talk to Natalya about this. But I can’t.” His cornflower eyes widen, lips slightly parted, “I guess I don’t know how to reply to that because I don’t know much about your relationship other than the fact that you two dated.” He scoots closer, a hand place on my right arm, underneath my purple heather tattoo. I guess I should open up to him. Enough of my barriers have already collapsed around him, so what’s one more? Oh, Mathias Køhler, you are so blissfully unaware of the impact you have on me. “A couple of years ago, I was still working things out in terms of my sexuality. Natalya and I have been best friends since we were children, both being children of high up members in this organisation. Well, basically I made the mistake of confusing platonic for romantic in sort of attempt to convince myself that I was het.” And man, was it a big mistake.

“Oh, yeah, that’s rough,” He sighs, “I’m pan so I understand how you feel slightly, trying to convince yourself that you’re straight.” He’s pan? Oh my God, he likes guys. It’s a miracle! Now I only have two more issues with my crush on him. One being that he’s an undercover cop and I’m the son of criminals, it’s kind of taboo. Two being that he may not like me back. The good thing is that he likes guys. That’s the worst problem if you’re gay and the person you like is straight. The absolute worst. “I guess it was easier for me to acknowledge my own sexuality because my twin brother came out to me when we were teens,” A sad smile crosses his face, the mention of his brother inducing a feeling of melancholy. I didn’t realise he had a brother, much less a twin. I have no idea what I’d do without Emil. “Twin? Do you, you know…” “Are we identical? No, we aren’t in the slightest. Anyway you’re not telling me the full story. Stop trying to distract me, Lukas.” Mathias pokes my arm, teasing. “Fine. So, I asked Natalya out. She said yes, I had no idea that she even had a crush on me. We dated for a while, but it soon became clear to me that I was gay and had no feelings for her. I broke up with her and we haven’t spoken much since. She didn’t take the breakup well. Not because she was homophobic, it was just hard for her to be around me. She stopped calling me Lukas and started calling me sir.” It pains me to remember that our friendship is seemingly over. She was the only person who really understood me. The only one who knew everything about me, my deepest secrets, and feelings. And I ruined it. I destroyed our friendship by being so stupid. I hate myself for it.

“I’m so sorry about what happened. The change between the two of you must really hurt,” He pulls me into a hug, his embrace warm and loving. I can’t replace the gap that was left after my friendship with Natalya was over, but Mathias can at least be the person I confide in from now on. It’s quite refreshing to talk to someone who is different from me. It was nice for someone to understand, but Mathias can do that whilst being different. I think I need his happy go-lucky attitude. It feels refreshing. Perhaps his happiness would rub off on me. “The worst part is I used her. I was unaware of it, but I was using her to try prove something to myself. She was my best friend and I used her, Mathias,” I bury my head into his chest, feeling like absolute shit. I’m constantly reminded of what I did, every time she calls me ‘sir’ instead of Lukas it feels like I’m being stabbed, a knife buried deep into my body. And I can make that comparison, I know the feeling. The two are one and the same. And it hurts. It hurts so much. “I know things aren’t amazing right now, but time heals all wounds, and that includes emotional. The both of you will be friends again, you’ve just got to be patient.” He really thinks so? I don’t know if I can believe that. We’re still hugging, his arms encasing me with love and support that I don’t deserve. One of his hands brushes my hair, a small whisper of “Holy shit, that’s soft” escaping his lips. I don’t think he realises I can hear him, but it makes me smile anyway.

“Anyway,” I pull away, so that I don’t get too flustered, “Enough of that. I was wondering if you’d like to come to an event tonight,” I say matter-of-factly, hoping it doesn’t sound like I’m asking him out. Because I’m not. I’m really not. His blond eyebrows project upwards slightly, a small blush making its way across his cheeks, “What kind of event?” Not like that, Mathias. I’m not asking you out. You’re misreading this situation. “Every month, all the high ups in this organisation meet up and get hammered. I could bring you along, you know, as a way to find out more info.” Yeah, see? Not a date. Purely business. Strictly business. “Ah,” he glances away, a look of embarrassment causing his cheeks to redden further, “That would be great. Thanks, Lukas. I should let you know that I am not a secret-dropping drunk, if you know what I mean. I won’t give myself away.” And just like that, I’m trying to get Mathias more involved with the people in this organisation. And bonus, we get to drink whilst doing so.

Mathias

After training, I shower, not wanting to show up to this gathering smelling like sweat. Could you imagine? Gross. Whilst showering, I think back over Lukas and I’s conversation. It seems every day I learn more about him and the amount of layers he has. There are so many different sides to him, all locked away under an emotional barrier. I don’t hate him anymore, in fact, I’m pretty sure I have a crush on him. I know I was physically attracted to him from the beginning but now I have an actual crush on him. Ugh, of course I do. Not that liking Lukas is a bad thing, it’s just in terms of this mission, it’s not ideal. Leave it to me to fall in love whilst trying to take down a fucking huge criminal organisation. Just my luck. It’s typical Mathias Køhler. I am excited for tonight though; it will be my first sight of Lukas Bondevik drunk. I wonder what kind of drunk he is? Just another side of Lukas I’ll find out.

Remembering what Lukas told me after inviting me, I pull on some smart-casual clothes, wanting to look the part. I walk out of my room and come face to face with my crush, his black leather jacket resting on his shoulders. Man, do I have a type. Throughout my life I have constantly thought the punk look is super fucking hot. Lukas Bondevik is just further evidence of that. His black cross earring shines in the light, his lips pursed, fluffy curly hair cascading across the left side of his face. He greets me by the slight twitch of his lips, a ghost of a smile. Adorable. Lukas then takes me by the arm, and we enter the lounge, where a lot of the higher ups are getting drunk out of their minds. “Mathias Køhler, our favourite new recruit! Welcome! I was really happy when my eldest told me he was bringing you along,” Kjetil Bondevik greets me from the other side of the room, his wife grinning and waving at me. The people already drunk in the room cheer, along with some who are still sober. I’m no longer fooled by the couple’s niceness towards me, I now know it’s a front. They torture and kill others. These are not pleasant people. I smile in return and then turn back to Lukas, the only genuine person here so far. He hands me a drink and whispers, “They only serve strong alcohol here so you’re just going to have to cope.” He clearly underestimates me in terms of drinking. Oh sweetie, I can handle strong. Proving this point, I put it to my lips and chug everything in one go. Take that, Lukas.

He raises an eyebrow and proceeds to follow suit. “Not a lightweight, huh. Good, you can handle tonight,” Lukas shouts over the blaring music, something that was put on a couple of seconds afterwards. Man, is it loud. “I was born for tonight! You bet your ass I can handle it!” I grab another drink, letting the strong liquid pour down my throat. This continues for a while and I feel myself getting drunker with every cup, Lukas getting hammered right beside me. We start dancing to the music together, him collapsing into a mess of giggles and smiles. “God you’re adorable, Lukas,” I mutter in his ear, holding him in a slow dance embrace. His beautiful purple eyes meet mine, glittering, his cute cheeks all red. His hand cups my cheek, an expression of longing written all over his face. “You’re so hot, Køhler,” He whispers, moving closer, sending shivers down my spine. Lukas Bondevik then brings our lips together, the taste of the booze exploding against me, his lips soft. And his lips are on mine. Lukas fucking Bondevik is kissing me and it’s good. It’s so good and hot and passionate. When he pulls away I long for more, so I bring our lips together again, him letting me do so. The objective of tonight seems to have changed, but I can’t even remember why I was supposed to be here in the first place. All I want now is Lukas. And he wants me.

_The next morning,_

Head pounding as if someone was banging cymbals right next to it, I open my eyes. Ugh, I hate hangovers. From the look of the posters on the walls, I’m in Lukas’ room. Oh shit. Why am I in Lukas’ bed? I glance around and notice Lukas cuddled up to me, my arms around him. I take in all his tattoos, the organisation’s symbol and the fourteen lines signifying fourteen years of being part of the organisation (yikes), some patterns, the other arm containing tattoos of a mermaid tail and purple heather (which I think is the Norwegian national flower). He’s also half naked, the only thing stopping us from being completely nude is our boxers. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. What the hell happened? Shit. Oh shit. Did we really? Shit. His eyes flutter open, meeting mine. Lukas Bondevik then frowns in confusion, looking around, taking in our state. His mouth opens and all that he says is, “Fuck.” Yeah, that seems an appropriate response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It appears I now have a regular-ish update schedule for this fanfic. Expect updates roughly every week (that is, if I have enough time). So, yeah, the next chapter of our favourite queer messes is here!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, and the interactions between our two main characters. Btw, it's been roughly six months since Mathias has gone undercover. So, yeah, hope you liked it! Please let me know your thoughts, I love reading any comments I get!


	6. Not how it's supposed to go.

Lukas

Groaning internally, my head feeling like it’s being constantly stabbed, over and over and over again. Hangovers are so stupid. I hate them so much. Who allowed these to exist? I want to find them and continuously smack them over the head with a very heavy book. See how they like it. I lock eyes with Mathias. Wait- Mathias? Why the fuck is Mathias in my bed? My eyebrows furrow, and I glance around, trying to figure out why the super-hot Danish guy is in my bed with his arms around me. What I work out is that we are half naked, but that doesn’t clear much up. Did we- did we really? “Fuck.” Is all that exits my mouth. All my emotions summed up neatly into one curse word. Such a useful and effective word. “Fuck is right,” Mathias mutters following it up with, “What exactly happened last night?” Great question, Mathias. Now I just need to work out the answer. Thinking hard, I try to recall the past evening’s events. What I do know is that we start drinking, and later dancing together to the music. After that it’s a blur. A big blurry mess. Finally, after minutes of hard thinking, it all comes rushing back.

_“God, you’re adorable, Lukas,” Mathias looks up from his feet, holding me in a slow dance embrace. I just want to kiss him, hard on the mouth. My cheeks flush, even more than they had previously, thanks to the booze. I can’t do this anymore. He’s too attractive and amazing. I can’t disguise my feelings for him any longer. And so… “You’re so hot, K_ _ø_ _hler,” I move closer towards him, his adorable cornflower blue eyes widening. Bringing my lips to his, I love the exploding taste of booze, his lips are so great. So so great. Immediately regretting my decision, I pull away. Why did I think this was a good idea? His mouth is agape for a few seconds until he pulls me in again. He liked it. Mathias fucking K_ _ø_ _hler liked kissing me and wants some more. I guess life does work out after all._

“I kissed you and then one thing lead to another and… here we are,” I sigh, staring anywhere but his eyes. I’m too embarrassed for that. I should not have invited him. Lukas, you should have known that was a recipe for disaster. This cannot happen. He’s a cop, I’m a member of a criminal organisation, it would never work. Why would he be interested in me? He deserves so much more.

Mathias Køhler, I wish I could be the person who gets to kiss you. Who loves you.

But I’m not.

And I never will be.

Because of my name. Because of my family.

It just… won’t work.

Shakespeare said it well, ‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.’ What I would give to not be a Bondevik. What I would do to be with him. I cannot leave this family though. I am doomed to always be reminded of my roots. Romeo and Juliet… Fitting. Though Mathias will never love me. Never. And if he did, what would happen then? Would it lead to our downfall like the Shakespearean protagonists? Or would it actually work? Unfortunately, I believe the former would be the correct path.

Because of my family.

It will never work.

Even if he did love me.

Never.

“That seems about right. Alcohol, huh,” Mathias nudges my arm, attempting to take some of the seriousness away from the situation. To try remove the awkwardness. I love the guy, but it doesn’t work. Still very much awkward. “I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have invited you. The whole thing was a bad idea.” Might as well apologise. “Don’t apologise,” He tries to meet my eyes, his wide and blue. As always when I see the blueness of his eyes I feel calm for a second. Mathias Køhler, I wish you were aware of the effect you have on me. Are you aware? Probably not. But I wish you were.

I really don’t want to continue this. You don’t think I know how it’s going to go? It will begin with a compliment and things will appear fine, on the surface. But deep underneath the iceberg is that one word you’re dreading. The one word you know is coming after those compliments. And it will sting. No, not sting, it will hurt so goddamn much. The one word you don’t want to hear: ‘but’. Also known as, ‘but I don’t see you that way’, ‘but I’m not looking for a relationship right now’, ‘but you’re just a friend’, ‘but I don’t want a commitment right at this moment’. But. It also appears frequently in breakups, I’m sure you can think of examples. But – that dreadful word that everyone makes the mistake of overlooking until it hits you, right in the face. Your relationship (whether it be friendship, dating etc.) will be over and, in my case right now, perhaps over before it’s even begun.

So, I want to save myself that. I don’t want to hear that word. I want to leave before it happens, slip out while he’s not looking. I want him to forget this ever happened, myself also. Forgetting will prevent me from getting my hopes up, from longing for his touch again, his lips, his embrace… I just want to forget… Unfortunately, the alcohol didn’t wipe my memory enough. Though I don’t think I could ever forget what it’s like to kiss Mathias. It’s an impossible feat. And I hate that. I pull away, out of his embrace, surprising him in the process. I can’t stay. I can’t risk hearing that word. Moving out the bed, I look for my clothes. There they are, discarded on the floor next to Mathias’. Picking them up, I hear rustling behind me, the sound of him sitting up. I’ve got to get out of here. “Lukas-” Mathias breathes, please, please don’t say the word, “-Wait.” He grabs my arm and spins me round to face him. My face feels wet, am I crying? This is a new low. God, he’s so blissfully unaware of the effect he has on me. I wish I were like that. Biting his lip, his hand moves upwards and wipes the tears away. Stop making this harder on me.

Please. Just leave me alone, Mathias.

I want to grieve in peace.

Grieve over a relationship that never existed.

He’s too good for me.

It would never work.

Just let me grieve, alone, far away from your beautiful face and kind smile.

I start to move my hand, my aim to push his away and run out of this room until he pulls me into a kiss. I- I- what? I- very mixed signals. What? I- What? Huh? His lips are pressed firmly against mine, like the two are locked in an embrace. Mathias’ arm is snaked around my waist now, and I let him keep kissing. And I kiss back. And I hope that this is real. That he really wants to kiss me. We break apart for air and I finally gain enough confidence to look him square in the eyes. “I like you, Lukas, I really do.” But… Surely there’s got to be a ‘but’. “I know the idea of us dating is a scary one due to our situation, but I think we should give it a try,” he averts his gaze, a slight redness spreading across his cheeks. The ‘but’ is a positive? It’s not what I thought it would be? “You want to date me? Out of all people?” Really? Me? “Ja, I really really like you, Lukas. Will you be my boyfriend?” Holy shit. He actually likes me. I can’t believe this. Mathias asked me out. And- shit- I need to give an answer. “I’d love to, Køhler,” A smile works its way across my features, he rolls his eyes at ‘Køhler’ but overall grins his signature Mathias grin. He kisses my cheek, an action I’m not very used to, but it’s nice, “Just promise me one thing, Lukas.” Oh God. I knew there was a catch. I knew it. I knew this was too good to be true.

“Promise me you won’t break my heart. I’ve had too many people do that, it’s why I took a break from romance about two years ago,” He has a serious expression, something abnormal for him. The statement in itself sounds really melancholy. How many people have hurt Mathias? And how do I hunt them down and let them know how it feels? How do I make them play for hurting him? “I can’t promise that I won’t break your heart, Mathias,” He frowns as I say this, “But I can promise that if we ever did break up, it would be for a genuine reason like we were fighting too much or something. I can’t predict the future, but I will give this relationship every single bit of my energy and I hope you will too.” I hope that came across alright. I don’t want to worry him, but honesty is key. Especially in a relationship. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into an embrace, breathing in the lingering smell of last night’s booze. “And besides, this relationship could last forever. You never know. I’ll be your Juliet if you be my Romeo,” I make myself cringe on the accidental rhyme. Goddammit. I hate accidental rhymes. He locks eyes with me, seemingly unafraid, “Why didn’t you pick Romeo?” Huh? “I mean, we’re two queer guys and I’m pretty sure we don’t imitate heterosexuality. I was just curious why you described yourself as Juliet.”

“Because Romeo is actually the effeminate one, dumbass. Did you never study it? Also, you’re more the romantic out of the two of us, hence Romeo,” I retort. He was concerned about gender roles? God, I am laughing so hard internally. “I did study it,” He wheezes into my shoulder, “Just was a long time ago. Didn’t think you’d be into Shakespeare.” I mean, Romeo and Juliet’s ok, kind of overrated though. I prefer Othello, give me a really complex villain any day rather than two hormonal teens causing mayhem in the course of a few days and getting what? Six people killed? Bloody idiots if you ask me. “What did you think I’d be into?” Might as well find out. “I don’t know, perhaps something dark and edgy?” He plants a kiss on my cheek. Dark and edgy? Really Køhler? Really? How much of an emo do you think I am? “Anyway. I’ll be your Romeo, Lukas. Fitting to our situation huh? Forbidden love and all that,” He smirks. I press his lips against mine again, wanting to kiss him once more. “ _Anyway,_ isn’t it about time we get dressed?”

Mathias Køhler. I guess I do get to be the person who gets to kiss you. Who loves you, more than you could ever know.

I am.

And I will be for hopefully a long long time.

My name doesn’t matter. Neither does my family.

It might just work.

And I hope it does.

We can find our way through this. We can make it work.

Because I love you. And you love me.

I love you, Mathias Jens Køhler. Maybe this is not how it’s supposed to go.

But I’m ok with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I got another chapter up!!!  
> I have another fic I really want to write, but I'm putting it on the backburner for now until I finish this one. That means I'll put all my efforts into this fic. I hope you like the result. And I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> As always, please let me know your thoughts in the comments! :)


	7. The best bakery in the whole goddamn city.

Lukas

Suppressing a wave of terror, I try to gain the courage to knock on my parents’ office door, needing to discuss my new relationship with them. I fucking hate talking to my parents. I remember the last time I knocked on their door, roughly, what, seventeen years ago? Did not go well. And no, I will not elaborate on that. But I don’t really have a choice in this. I never do. And so, I bring my shaking fist up to the door and rap a couple of times, trying with all my might to make my terrified expression disappear. Do not show fear. Ever. It’s like they’re animals, they can smell it. Disappear. Make that terrified expression disappear. That was my focus until someone tapped my shoulder and I almost jumped six feet in the air. Yikes, I need to stop being so jumpy. I mean, I’m only talking to two people who brutally harm and sometimes kill people. No biggie. But it’s only Natalya, her expression indifferent. I scan it for any sign of my former friend but there is none. There never is anymore. It’s like the part of her that used to love me disappeared, killed off after I came out. “Waiting to talk to your parents, sir?” Her arms are folded, and I catch a glimpse of her black nails, and compare them to my plain ones. When we were teens, she would practice all different kinds of styles on me, mastering the art of nail polish (only I knew it was her guilty pleasure, that little bit of her that got to control a small aspect of her life, the one time she wouldn’t feel guilty for being feminine). And it sounds weird, but I miss her painting my nails. She really doesn’t need me anymore, huh?

“Ja. I need to discuss something about last night, I’m not sure if you remember what… um… what I got up to,” I sigh, glancing down at my plain nails, twiddling my thumbs, looking anywhere but her cerulean eyes. “Da. I remember. You and Køhler.” Although she says it in a calm tone, I notice the visible purse in her lips. It’s not an angry purse though, more like she’s in pain, a hard to pick up on sadness rolling off her in waves. A small wince. Again, hard to pick up on. But I notice it. I always do. Fuck. I hate this. I know everything there is to know about Natalya Arlovskaya but it’s of no use to me now. It’s not like anything will change between us. “So… are you two…?” She trails off, inspecting her dark nails, they’re chipped in places, needing a touch up, or perhaps they need to be redone, the polish has peeled off in large chunks. She picks at these spots, looking anywhere but me. I know that feeling. “Dating? Ja, we are now.” Her lips purse again, eyes blinking rapidly.

I just want to hug her; apologise for all I’ve done to her. Would she even listen to me? Would she accept it after all the pain I’ve put her through? God, I’m a horrible person. “Congratulations, I didn’t think he would be your type. But… um…” She clears her throat, still looking anywhere but me, still blinking fast, still taking further chunks of polish off her nails, “I guess I wouldn’t know what your type is.” It’s like I can’t even think of a reply to that. Fuck. I really am a crappy person. “I’m really happy for you.” She smiles and it comes off half real, half fake, small tears in her eyes. “Good luck with your parents, Lu- I mean, sir.” And just like that, she turns on her heel and disappears, finally allowing her lip to quiver. And I’m left there, filled to the brim with agony instead of terror. I talk to my parents, but my mind isn’t really there. All I know is that they approve. Their approval means nothing to me. Laying down on my bed, I start listening to music, anything that distracts me from Natalya Arlovskaya. Anything. Turns out this time when I’m depressed, depressing music doesn’t help. It usually does. My mind is just fixated on her. Her and nothing else.

Another tap on my shoulder and, before I open my eyes, I wish it were her. It isn’t. It’s only Mathias. “You ok?” He mouths and I realise I’ve still got my headphones in, Gerard Way still screaming in my ears. I take them off and answer with a simple “no”. “Do you want to talk about it?” His hand rests on my arm, a look of concern tugging at his features, spreading his array of freckles all over the place (not that they had much of a centralisation in the first place). “I don’t. What I will say though is that it actually has nothing to do with my parents.” This seems to surprise him, his eyebrows raising upwards. “Natalya?” He asks and I nod in response. He doesn’t push for details and instead gives me a hug. It appears Mathias Køhler respects my emotional boundaries. It’s funny to think four months ago we hated the very sight of each other. “Well, I’m here for you. Shall we watch something on TV?” I nod again, not really in the mood for a conversation. He knows this. “Oh wow, Brooklyn 99! I love this show! I thought your parents would have this banned?” And I love it too. It helped me further understand that people like Mathias aren’t the enemy like my parents had forced us to believe. Quite the opposite really. Another was my friend, the undercover cop. He was just a normal guy, trying to do good for society. He didn’t deserve to die. “They did. But when you spend your entire time with computers, you dabble in some hacking.” He laughs at this, still holding me. And there, cuddled up in his arms, watching Jake Peralta diss his authority figures (something I can quite imagine my boyfriend doing to his superiors), is where I finally forget about her.

A while later, I go out to the shops, picking up some supplies, including a galaxy chocolate bar, some nail polish, and a pretty navy ribbon (the cashiers gave me very weird looks, God, people can be so judgemental). When I get back home, I bake some cupcakes using the chocolate which my boyfriend notices. “Wait- you can bake?” He comes over, trying to sneak a finger full of the cupcake mixture. I swat his hand away. “Ja. Who do you think bakes all of the items in the shop, Mathias?” Someone has to. And that someone is me. “You’re the one who bakes all those things?! I love that bakery, Lukas! It’s the best bakery in the city. The whole goddamn city!” He exclaims, dumbfounded, waving his arms around in the air with passion. “I’m glad you like my baking,” I kiss his cheek, swatting his hand away a second time. I get him to assist and he actually does an ok job, for an amateur. I wrap all the things up in a box, the cupcakes go in, along with the polish and ribbon. Gulping nervously, I walk over to Natalya’s room, carrying the box. I place it down outside her door, making sure the note at the top is visible.

‘ _I’m sorry for everything I did. To you and our friendship. I know it’s not much, but will you receive this gift as an olive branch?_

_Love, Lukas, who will always be your friend, even if you no longer want to be mine.’_

And then, I knock on the door, turn on my heel and leave.

_A year later,_

Mathias

“Oh my God, I can’t believe we’ve been dating for a year now,” I grin at my boyfriend from across the table. Yep, it’s Lukas and I’s one-year anniversary and we are celebrating by having dinner at a restaurant nearby. And man, does he look hot in a tux. I mean, he always looks hot but still. “Can I be honest? I didn’t think we’d make it this far. This is my first real relationship, Mathias.” And finally, after all my insisting, he refers to me by my first name all the time. ‘Køhler’ still slips out sometimes but I love hearing his Norwegian accent saying my name, it’s so cute. Other things Lukas loves to refer to me as: ‘dumbass’, ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’. They all sound mean, but he says them with love every single time. It’s more endearing than mean and, to be honest, I like it. It’s so in-character for Lukas. “And you’re doing amazing, sweetie,” I grab his hand and watch as he rolls his eyes at ‘sweetie’, but I grin with the knowledge that he secretly likes it. He locks eyes with me, taking his stare off of his meal, “I love you, Mathias Køhler.” It’s the first time either one of us has said the ‘L-word’ and it catches me completely off-guard. My fork even falls out of my left hand. As I’m struggling for words, I watch as an expression of regret works its way onto his face. He starts looking elsewhere, wanting the ground to swallow him whole. Crap, gotta reply quickly or he’ll think he’s made a big mistake! “I love you too, Lukas Bondevik.” And just like that, his face relaxes, and he moves forward to kiss me. “I love you so so much, Lukas. I’m sorry it took so long for me to reply.”

We continue eating and discuss different topics. He asks me how my work is coming along (referring to my undercover work, but we can’t talk much about that in public- you never know who you’ll see) and I reply that it’s doing ok but I’ve still got a lot more to uncover so it’ll be awhile before Lukas and I are away from the organisation and living a normal life. The conversation drifts to a different topic and everything’s going fine until I catch a glimpse of two people I know very well. Tino and Berwald. My brother and my brother-in-law. My family. The two people I’ve missed. Every. Single. Goddamn. Day. It’s like someone up there just wants me to continuously suffer. Just my luck. “Hey, you ok?” Lukas snaps me back to reality, a look of concern on his face. “I’m fine. Just saw some people I used to know. That’s all,” I grab his hand again and he squeezes mine in an effort to comfort me. “And by ‘used to know’ you mean…?” Guess we’re talking about this now. “My brother and his husband. The two blond guys, one tall, one small. The taller one has glasses and, usually, a stern expression.” He glances around until he spots them, “The two to my left, near the front?” I nod. He sighs, continuing twirling spaghetti onto his fork, “That sucks, I’m sorry that things are the way they are. This shouldn’t be your life. You should be living your best life and, instead, you’re stuck in the miserable place I call home.”

“Hey,” I squeeze his hand back, “No being sad on our anniversary. I was just surprised, that’s all.” “You were depressed, Mathias. Don’t try lying to me, it won’t work. I know you’re sad.” Dammit. Thought I was going to get away with that. Of course Lukas noticed. He’s very perceptive that way. “Besides, I’m perfectly fine being where I am in my life right now. Sure, I hate not being able to see my family but you’re forgetting one vital thing, Lukas.” I begin to smile, a grin working its way up my cheeks. “What’s that exactly?” He raises his eyebrows, still looking unhappy, still twirling more spaghetti onto his fork, still looking down at his bowl. “If I hadn’t of taken this job on, we would never have met. I wouldn’t want my life to go any other way.” Our eyes meet and he starts smiling sheepishly, even if that smile is small. But it’s enough. Lukas is smiling again and, every time he does, I feel as if I’m floating. He’s so cute. So cute and so fucking hot. I’m so lucky to be dating him. “You were right, one year ago today. It is like we are Juliet and Romeo, you know? Destined to be together, even if everything else seems to say otherwise.” “‘Even if everything says otherwise’? Wow, so romantic,” He rolls his eyes, still grinning.

“Hey! I’m trying my best here! Ok then, how about… ‘My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite’- Juliet to Romeo. That good enough for you, Lukas?” There. After I found out Lukas liked Shakespeare I read a few of his plays again. And then I read them again because I didn’t understand anything the first time. And then again. And then again one last time. Now I understand it better. “Very nice,” His mouth stretches into a smirk, “You’ve learnt since last year. Then how about… ‘The heavens forbid but that our loves and comforts should increase, even as our days do grow’- Desdemona to Othello. Your move, Køhler.” Ah, interesting. So he believes fate is in our favour, and that our love will only grow with time. We’re just going to forget right now that both of these quotes come from tragedies. That aspect of the plays will not be on our mind. My move, huh? Hmm… “‘I would not wish any companion in the world but you; Nor can imagination form a shape, besides yourself, to like of’- Miranda to Ferdinand. Take that, Bondevik!” God, we are such nerds. But this exchange is really fun and distracting. I almost am not thinking of Berwald and Tino anymore. Though, we might be being a bit loud because people around us are glaring. Lukas glares back at them and then collapses laughing, his laughter sounding like wind chimes on a summer’s day. I love this man so much. “Then let me conclude with this, ‘She loved me for the dangers I had passed, and I loved her that she did pity them’- Othello about Desdemona. Guess you can tell which is my favourite play.” He smirks once more so I lean over and kiss him. Like always, the kiss is soft and heavenly, and, when we pull away, I long for more.

More does not happen. Accidently, I look back over to my family, and Ber and I’s eyes meet, his immediately widening. “Fuck.” I whisper, causing Lukas to discreetly look where I’m looking and he joins me, “Fuck it is.” They’ve noticed. They know I’m here. And yet, I can’t tear my eyes away. I take in every detail, my brother’s slightly open mouth, his widened emerald eyes, the black rectangular frames resting on top of his face, everything. It’s so weird to not be looking at a picture, a picture that was the only thing keeping me from forgetting how they look. The only visual aid I had. The only thing to remember them by, besides the slightly fuzzy memories, the memories that get fuzzier every single day. And I relish in this moment. Even if I’m supposed to be undercover. I relish it. I make a mental picture of this moment, how they look, so I can remember a little while longer. Just a little longer. And the memories start becoming clearer again. They start regaining their shape, their colour, their clearness. It’s taking everything in my willpower not to run over and embrace them and cry and cry into their shoulders how much I missed them. “Mathias, hey, Køhler. Hey, dumbass,” What brings me back a second time is Lukas, him shaking my arm slightly, his hand falling just under where my tattoo is, the tattoo that now has a line under it, and will be joined with a second one in six months’ time. A tattoo that reminds me where I am every single day of the week. Even if I wish otherwise. “How should I deal with this situation?” I’m blanking. What exactly do I do when my cover is blown? Why am I asking Lukas? Someone help me. “I’ll deal with this,” Is all he says, walks over to Berwald, they exchange a short conversation and then they both disappear into the men’s room. I don’t think I should follow.

It’s in your hands now, Lukas.

Lukas 

Mathias’ brother and I arrive in the men’s restroom, in an attempt to have a private conversation. I quickly sweep the room for signs of any other people – there are none. Good. “Hello there. You may know me, you may not, but I’m Lukas Bondevik. I’m aware that you’re Mathias’ brother…?” It’s not much, but it’s a start. “I am. Berwald Oxenstierna.” His voice is deep, and he seems to speak in short sentences. Not much of a talker, I understand that. “Look, I’m just going to get straight to the point. I know that your brother is an undercover cop. I found out ages ago and he knows that I know,” I stare deep into his eyes, they’re unwavering and his expression remains stern. “You know? Glad I didn’t blow his cover,” His face actually seems to relax when the situation is fully disclosed. “And you didn’t tell anyone?” It’s sweet he cares so much about Mathias. I’ve actually never heard my boyfriend bring up his parents, so I assume they don’t have the best relationship. Instead he constantly brings up his brother and his brother-in-law, so I know the three of them get along well. I wonder what happened with Mathias’ parents. “No. I didn’t want him to get killed.” And now that I know him better, I really don’t want him to get killed. That’s just the stupid shit my parents would pull. Some real Shakespearean tragedy shit. I bet it will happen. I want to do everything in my power to prevent it.

“Thank you. Thank you for looking after him,” He starts, still looking serious, “I saw the two of you kiss. Are you…?” Crap. Wasn’t prepared for this. What am I supposed to say? ‘Yeah. I’m the son of a criminal organisation and I’ve been dating your brother for a year now’? How do I admit this sort of thing? I must be avoiding all eye contact because he adds, “Ah, you are. Well, once this whole thing is over, we should hopefully get to know each other better.” My head snaps back up and is met with his outstretched hand. I shake it. “Agreed. So long as my court trial goes successfully otherwise you’re going to have to visit me in prison.” You think I don’t know that there is a large possibility that I will end up behind bars? Because I am well aware. And it terrifies me to wonder what will happen between me and Mathias. If he doesn’t break up with me, how much will his reputation suffer? Because I would prefer us breaking up over his reputation as a police detective ruined. This case was his time to shine. A chance to prove how good a cop he is. I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to be the one thing that stands between him and glory. “I wouldn’t worry as long as Mads doesn’t believe you’ve done anything worth being convicted. Trust me, if my brother is in love with you, he will fight to the very end for you. He’s probably planned out all possible outcomes for your trial already.” Wow. Long sentences. And ‘Mads’? That’s such a cute nickname. I should use it sometime. We say goodbye and exit, one at a time. Then, I go back to my boyfriend, tell him I’ll talk to him later about it. We finish our meal peacefully, without further drama.

And then we head back home.

I want to bring up my conversation with Berwald. Ask him whether he will risk everything for me, even his reputation. If our relationship will survive if I go to prison. If he can take all that he’s signed on for by falling in love with me. If he truly has been planning my court trial and every different outcome. If he will love me to the end. But I don’t. I don’t find the courage. I’m afraid to find out the answers to some of those questions. Everything’s so good right now, we can pretend to forget about the future in the meantime. I don’t want every to come crushing down just yet. Because if you ask me, time and time again, if I think I’m good enough for Mathias Køhler, I will answer ‘no’ every time. So, I can pretend for the meantime. Pretend everything is fine. That I’m fine. That we’re fine. But I know all the good will come to an end one day. It always does. Nothing ever works out the way you want it to. Why should my relationship with Mathias be any different? Soon he’ll come to his senses. Soon he’ll realise he’s too good for me. Or that I’m a deadweight that will ruin his reputation and career. Nothing good ever comes from dating me. Natalya can tell you that much.

“Lukas.” I hear and I snap back to reality, the negative thoughts still bouncing around my brain. At first, I think it’s my boyfriend who uttered my name, but my brain soon recognises it as a feminine voice. Long blonde hair, a pretty navy ribbon tied into a bow on top, serious cerulean eyes. Natalya. She called me Lukas.

What-

What’s happening?

“Can we talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I've decided that this fanfic will only be 10 chapters, much shorter than many of my other works. I don't feel I have enough plot to drag it out for longer, so I hope I can develop the characters and their relationships in that short time.
> 
> This chapter should help with that. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had a lot of fun writing it and expanding on Norway and Belarus' relationship. And how Dennor now interacts as a couple. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments!


	8. Questioning is the worst.

Lukas

“Can we talk?”

Just hearing those words cause my body to freeze up. All thoughts from earlier evaporated upon those words touching my ears. Maybe it’s the negative connotations around that phrase but hearing it induces a state of absolute terror. Natalya. Calling me Lukas. Asking if we can talk out of the blue. Not. Normal. “Lukas? Are you gonna answer that?” My boyfriend nudges me, not realising that my entire body’s in shock. I- um- Answer. Yes. That’s what normal people do. My mouth opens and closes repeatedly. How does one get words to come out of their mouth again? Can someone remind me? It’s like I’ve forgotten how to speak. At this point, Natalya looks somewhat amused, a smirk on her face, “Quit freaking out, Lukas. I just want to have a normal conversation. That’s all.” As if. You never call me by my real name anymore. Something’s up. I know it. But… there isn’t any harm in hearing what she has to say, I suppose. “Um- ok. Sure.” Is all I reply, still struggling with getting my mouth to work. At least I have my boyfriend by my side- “I think I’ll leave the two of you alone. This is a personal conversation that I don’t belong in.” Ok, at least I have my depressing internal thoughts. Fuck. I’m screwed. 

Mathias leaves, heading into his room. The common area is deserted, just me and my ex-bestfriend, leaving plenty of room for a private conversation. It’s like this is one of those creepy abandoned places. You’d think with roughly a hundred or more members there would be more activity than just the two of us. But no. If I die, start your investigation with Natalya Arlovskaya please. If it wasn’t her, follow it up with my parents. They are the most likely candidates if it wasn’t Natalya. God, I wish Mathias didn’t abandon me. Dude, you realise I’m terrified right now, right? Maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t know me as well as I thought he did. I just… I just don’t want to do this alone. Every interaction with Natalya since we broke up has gone up in flames. The last time I had a full conversation with her, I made her cry goddammit. Natalya. Crying. Not. A. Good. Interaction. And it was all my fault. Like always. “You look fucking terrified, Lukas. Just sit down and relax,” So we sink into one of the many sofas, my eyes directly on the TV the other side of the room, avoiding hers as much as possible. At least Natalya can tell when I’m scared. My boyfriend, it appears, cannot. “It’s a fact that things between us have been weird for a while. For starters, I just want you to know that I accept who you are and am very happy that you’ve begun to embrace that side of you,” She sighs, placing a hand on my arm. The action causes my head to turn and finally look at her, my eyes deciding to focus on her nails. They’re blue this time, a navy shade to match the ribbon I gave her. And, unlike the last time I inspected her nails, they are not broken or chipped. “Um, thanks. I feel much happier now that I know who I am.” She smiles at me, finally a genuine smile, not one that is forced or fake. Genuine. I start to relax a bit more as a small grin works its way across my face.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you for a while, Lukas,” She starts, “I just- um-” Her eyes dart around the room, searching for the right words, the words that sum up how she’s feeling. “I just, I just couldn’t be around you. Every time I saw you, it was another reminder that you didn’t love me, that you would never love me, and you would never feel the same way as I did about you.” Fuckkkkkk. I really screwed up by mistaking platonic for romantic. Oh my God, how much pain did I cause her? I hate myself so goddamn much. I am a horrible person. Fuck. “It’s taken a while, and I’m still working on it, but- um, I think I’m getting over you. That’s why I wanted to talk-” “-Natalya please never apologise. Everything that happened was my fault,” The words finally start gushing out, all my feelings, everything I’ve felt on the subject for the past few years, “I shouldn’t have used you like that in an effort to try convince myself that I was straight. It was an awful thing to do and I regret every single day how much I hurt you.” I’ve begun to blink rapidly, small tears working their way out of the cracks, the calm and collected mask I usually have on breaking apart. Her arms move forwards and my brain doesn’t quite comprehend what’s happening until she’s pulled me into a hug. We haven’t hugged in so long. And just that thought causes me to break down, my head in her shoulder, tears spilling out over her clothes. Natalya’s hand strokes my hair, tugging at my curls, “It’s ok, Lukas, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. What happened between us sucked, yes, but this is why I wanted to talk to you,” Her voice is wobbling and if I knew better I’d say she was crying too. “I want to be friends again, Lukas. I want to fix our relationship, catch up on all that’s happened, hear you gush about how much you love your boyfriend. All those things. I want to be a part of your life again.”

She takes a large gulp of air and I’m suddenly very glad that there isn’t anyone else around. Both of us aren’t usually this vulnerable, especially around other members. It would ruin our reputation. Also, as my parents say, “Crying is for people who are weak-willed and will get nowhere in life. They’re as good as dead.” Yeah. I know. This is what I’ve had to live with for the past 37 or so years. “I want to be a part of your life again. So, um, friends?” I pull away, holding my hand out to her. She takes another steady breath, smiles slightly, and shakes my hand, nodding, “Friends.” After that, she fishes a compact mirror out of her pocket and examines herself, “God, we’re a mess.” This results in a short laugh from me, “We really are.” I really missed her. Now she’s back, and we can be us again. I’ll make sure not to screw it up this time. I can’t risk losing her again. We lock eyes, glad to be back on the same wavelength again, grins that stretch from ear to ear. “So… tell me about Mathias.”

Mathias

I hope to whatever being is up there that Lukas is ok. I knew he was terrified, but I left him. Was that a good idea? I thought it would be good for him to talk to Natalya one on one. I hope he’s ok. I’m still worried about him in five minutes, I’ll go check to see if he’s alright. Sighing, I dig out my necklace, examining my family, missing them even more now that I was so close to seeing them, having a discussion with them, hugging them. “Wow, déjà vu, much?” I hear to my right, Emil Bondevik standing in my doorway. It’s like I’m transported back a year and a half ago. “Oh, hey kid, you alright?” He comes closer and flops down on my bed, glancing up at me, “I think I’m the one who ought to ask you that, Mathias.” Fucking Bondeviks being so perceptive. Why does this always happen? “Ja. Completely fine. Just miss them, that’s all. And you didn’t answer me, are you ok kid?” I sit down next to him, putting the necklace away, observing how his light hair tumbles and spreads out when he lays down. Both the Bondevik siblings have small Norwegian curls and it’s so cute. I love playing with Lukas’ hair. So soft. “I guess so. Just thinking about a lot.” He stares upwards, violet eyes unblinking. Something gives me the feeling that he hasn’t discussed whatever this is with anyone else. “Want to talk about it? I’m actually a good listener once I shut up.” This seems to cheer him up slightly, a small snort escaping his mouth before he can stop it. I like Emil, he’s a nice kid under the layers of sarcasm and seriousness, much like his brother. We get along well, in my opinion. I also help him with his homework which allows us to hang out more than we would normally. “Sure. But you mustn’t tell anyone. Not even Lukas.” Wow, serious. I knew he hadn’t discussed this with anyone else. Ha, I was right.

“I promise. So, what’s eating you, kid?” It also turns out that when I talk to Emil, and any person who’s under the age of eighteen, that I start calling him ‘kid’ and acting as if I were a dorky dad. I wonder what Lukas’ stance is on children? That is, if our relationship goes that far of course. I know he adores Emil, but would he ever want kids? I don’t know. I know that I want kids. “Was it hard for you? Realising you liked men?” Ok. Seems we’re talking about sexualities now. Is Emil queer? Or questioning? “I mean, my brother came out to me while we were teens, so that made it easier to grasp my sexuality. I did a lot of searching up different terms, and eventually settled on pan. Do you like men, Emil?” He sighs, not meeting my gaze, still looking up at the ceiling, “I don’t know. Possibly. I mean, I have a boyfriend and I like him, romantically. But other people my age always talk about sex and how amazing it is, and how they constantly have these desires and fantasies. And that’s just… not me. Whenever someone talks about sex, I just feel grossed out and repulsed. And I certainly haven’t had any sort of ‘fantasy’.” He sits up, looking me dead in the eyes, “Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken?” His eyebrows furrow, an expression of melancholy washing over him. Placing my hand on his arm, I try to find the words to help him, “I- You’re not broken, Emil. Um, I’m not too knowledgeable on this subject but you’re not alone. Other people feel this way.”

“It certainly doesn’t fucking feel like that,” He sighs, “I like Leon, I do. But I’d never want to do that sort of stuff with him. With anyone.” Remember, Mathias, you cannot explicitly tell him what his sexuality is. You do not have the same knowledge as him. Only he can figure out what label fits him. But you can help guide him whilst he figures things out. “Have you heard of asexuality? It’s sort of a spectrum with many different identities which I think may match how you feel. Asexuality is when someone doesn’t feel any sexual attraction to anyone.” His eyebrows rise slightly, breathing more heavily than normal, “Asexuality…?” Poor kid looks so confused, so scared. I can only imagine how he feels internally, the thought that he may be broken. I know I felt that way when I was questioning. “There are other sexualities on there too such as demisexual which is where you only feel sexual attraction once you get really close to someone. Like I said, I don’t know too much about this, but I hope that helps. You should do some looking into the spectrum.” I wrap my arms around him once he’s sat up, letting him breathe heavily into my chest. I think he’s on the verge of tears. Poor thing. Figuring out your sexuality, or lack of in his case, is awful. Such a confusing time, but once you get to the end of it, you feel much happier. “I hate this,” he sobs, and yep, he’s crying now. Ahhhh I don’t know what to do, how to help him. What would questioning me have wanted? How exactly did Berwald deal with me?

_“I hate this, Ber. Can someone just give me the answer? I’m so confused!” I whine, clicking out of another of those ‘am I gay’ quizzes which are not any help whatsoever. He places his hand on my shoulder, “You’re in a scary, unknown place right now and it sucks. I’m sorry I can’t give the answer to you or tell you how long it will take to figure this out. What I can give you though, is my endless love and support, and the fact that I will be here, every step of the way. You will always have me to talk to about this, and to complain to. We’ll get through this, together.” Holy shit. Did my brother just give me an entire fucking speech that was actually really comforting? I smile slightly at him, “You, Ber, should go into motivational speech-making. Or, at least, writing.” His eyebrows raise and he responds with a snort._

Ok. Here goes. “Emil, you’re in a scary, unknown place right now and it sucks. It sucks so fucking much. I’m sorry I can’t give you the answer or tell you how long this process will take. What I can give you though, is my endless love and support, and that I will be here, every confusing step of the way. You will always have me to talk to about this and complain to, kid. I’m gonna help you get through this.” He glances up to me with red eyes, tear stains on his cheeks, sniffing, wrapping his arms tighter around me, “Thanks, Mathias. That means a lot.” Since I’m dating Lukas, I guess that sort of makes Emil my brother. He feels like a brother to me anyway. “Do you want to tell me about this boyfriend of yours, Leon was it? How long’s that been going on for?” So, he begins to compose himself and starts telling me about the guy he’s dating.

Later, Emil goes off to bed as it’s late, so I am left alone once more. In wonder what I should do? Hmmm… holy crap! I completely forgot about Lukas! Shit shit shit shit shit. Shit. Rushing out of my room, I stumble into the common area. There, on the sofa, are Lukas and Natalya, whispering to each other with smiles on their faces. Aw, sweet. It seems they’re friends again. Hopefully leaving Lukas alone with her was the right decision. He seems relaxed now. I edge closer, unnoticed by the two. “So you’re telling me, he forgot to lock the door, so you walked in and caught him talking to his boss and his whole cover was blown?” Natalya laughs, locking eyes with Lukas. Are they- are they talking about me? “Ja. Moron. As a result of that, I’m helping him take this whole place down. You want in?” And- he just- he just told her. And you’re calling me the moron here? “After all those times your parents abused you, Lukas? Of fucking course I’m in.” Natalya glares at no one in particular and I don’t think they know I’m here. So, I clear my throat. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the best move as they jump almost six feet in the air, and I realise they probably thought that they’d blown my cover. Whoops. “It’s just me. Just me. Sorry.” When they see that it is me, they instantly relax. “Fuck’s sake, Mathias. You scared the shit out of me,” But he gets up to kiss me anyway, his soft lips brushing against mine. Remembering something Natalya said earlier, I pull away, “What do you mean ‘abused’? Lukas?” That’s when my boyfriend suddenly looks like a deer caught in the headlights. “You didn’t tell him?” Natalya stands up, glancing at Lukas, definitely knowing something that I don’t. “I- um- I didn’t want to bring it up. I don’t like talking about it. But, um, there have been a few times when things have gotten heated. My parents just put me back in my place, that’s all. I wouldn’t call it abuse. I was the one who was out of line.” They what- Holy fuck, do I want to kill Lukas’ parents.

“You were perfectly in line, mister. And ‘putting someone back in their place’ does not include stabbing them!”

“THEY WHAT-” I yell, probably waking up multiple members but that’s the least of my concerns. Yep, be right back, just planning a double homicide. “It’s fine, Mathias. I’m fine,” Lukas glances at the floor and I realise how bad his home situation actually is. Every time I think I know, it’s so much worse. I knew Lukas hated his parents for many reasons, but I did not think abuse was one of them. And he’s trying to downplay it. He’s trying to downplay his parents fucking stabbing him. Like hell that’s normal. I thought this entire situation couldn’t get any worse. I was dead wrong. “Lukas- I- I’m so sorry that that happened. I- We’ll succeed, ok? We’ll take them down and you’ll be safe. I promise.” I pull him into a hug, and he wraps his arms around me, burying his face into my chest in response. His grip is really strong, hanging onto me for dear life and that makes my heart sink even more. I stroke his hair, hoping to comfort him in some way. I decided to become a police detective with the sole purpose of helping those who hadn’t previously spoken up about their experiences. And then I would bring their abusers to justice. This is one of those cases. And it’s with my boyfriend. Every time I think I understand exactly how much Lukas has gone through, it’s so so much worse. This is the hardest case I’ve ever had to work, not just because of the difficulty since it’s my first long term undercover mission, because of the emotional connection with the people here. Emil, Lukas, perhaps Natalya. I’ve been wondering for the past year and a half how this case will continue to impact me once it’s done. How many other people like Lukas have been stuck in terrible situations with no escape? Stuck in criminal organisations against their will? “I promise they’ll rot in prison. I’ll make sure of it.” Lukas finally looks up at me, his beautiful eyes full of fear which causes a sob to build up in my throat. “Thank you, Mathias.”

I promise.

I’ll do everything in my power to make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very happy with how this chapter came out, I hope that you guys can see the parallels between Natalya and Lukas' talk, and Mathias and Emil's! I love Denmark and Iceland's friendship and I wish it were presented more in fanfics, they have such a cute father-son relationship in a way!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Expect the next one soon :)


	9. I want to continue to love you in the afterlife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this chapter is a whopping 8749 words long (a new personal best XD) but it's the penultimate chapter so hopefully that justifies it's crazy length! (A lot of shit happens, let's just say that)

_Three years since Mathias first went undercover,_

Mathias

“I know you’re all wondering why I called you in here,” Kjetil Bondevik starts, pacing from left to right, giving us a hard glance. All of the members are standing in a straight line, myself being one of them, facing forward, saying nothing. “Does anyone know what this is?” He holds up something, my eyes trying to focus on a grey thing. What the fuck? Once they’ve focused I recognise it to be a small animal carcass, a long pink tail extruding out. It’s a rat. A fucking rat. Immediately I understand the symbolism and my throat closes up, heart rate increasing to a maximum. I attempt to not breathe too heavily. Oh shit. We’ve been found out. Lukas, Natalya, and I are dead. I can’t even hope for a painless, quick death. No. From the little Lukas has revealed about the undercover cop before me, it will be anything but quick and painless.

My boyfriend himself is standing to my left but I keep my eyes facing forwards. Do not look at him. We covered this. I’m sure of it. We covered this scenario roughly two years and eight months ago. Shit. What was it? What were his instructions if this ever happened?

_“In the instance that they find out someone has betrayed the organisation, keep calm, breathe normally, show no emotions. Do not panic. Just stare straight ahead and hope they don’t mean you.”_

So I do just that. Act as if you were Lukas when you first met him. Keep calm. It’ll be fine. Don’t panic. Do not panic. Whatever you do, don’t panic. Someone further down the line, who I can just about see out of the corner of my eye, raises their hand, “It’s a rat, sir.” Kjetil Bondevik nods sternly, “That is correct,” He strides forwards, coming closer to where Lukas and I are, my heart going a hundred miles a minute. Stay calm. He doesn’t mean you. Keep calm. Hope he doesn’t mean you. Don’t panic. “Do you know what we do to rats, Lukas?” He stops just short of us, a calm but stern expression spread all over his face. Lukas stays still and replies, his voice unwavering, sounding like a monotone robot, “We kill them.”

This really is the end, isn’t it? I’ll never get to see Berwald and Tino again. Never get to try make amends with my parents. Never get to go back to my normal life. Never get my boyfriend out of this horrible place. Never get to ask Lukas to marry me. None of those things. “That is also correct. Someone here is a rat. They were going to try get the NYPD to shut us down. And now they will pay.” This is it. This is the end. Kristín Bondevik steps forward, brandishing a knife, a smile on her face, enjoying our agony. I’ll never get to ask Lukas to marry me. She walks closer and it takes every muscle in my body not to hug and kiss Lukas right now, to hug and kiss him for the last time. I’ll never get to propose to Lukas Bondevik. Never get the satisfaction of saying those four words: ‘Will you marry me?’.

She comes right in front of me, “Would you ever betray this organisation, Mathias?” Attempting not to gulp or for a look of fear to flash across my face, I state as monotonously as my boyfriend earlier, “I would never.” Is this a game for them? Knowing them that is probable. “Good,” she turns to the man next to me, “Now why couldn’t you have been like that, David? Such a shame. After all these years, you were a no-good rat.” What- it’s not- it’s not me? Lukas, Natalya, and I are safe? David begins to stammer for words but Kjetil pulls him forward, Kristín grinning like a banshee, still holding her knife.

I don’t wish to describe what occurs next.

Let’s just say that David will never get to breathe again.

Or talk. Or see his family.

Or live.

All that’s left is a mass of blood, guts, and bones. Along with other parts.

And that will continue to haunt me. Forever.

After the horrific event is over (not that I can scrub the image from my mind)(nor the screams), I get dragged into Lukas’ room by Natalya, Lukas following close after. He locks the door whilst I grab the nearest bin and vomit. When it all seems to have surfaced, I begin, “They just- they really just- in front of everyone- they- they- they-”. Lukas sighs, “And another one bites the dust. You did good though, remembering our training.” Natalya nods, agreeing with him. She’s quite pale in the face but handling it well. Lukas, on the other hand, doesn’t seem any different. A man was just brutally slaughtered in front of us. A man with family and friends. And he’s not reacting. Or acting any different at all. He’s… normal. “How are you so chill about this? Did you not see what happened?” I snap, gesturing wildly in fury. “I did. It was no different than any other time I’ve seen it.” He’s still calm, very calm. The only reaction I got was when I shouted at him, there was a visible flinch.

And then I realise. Lukas is completely and utterly desensitised to all this. He’s seen it so many times that it has no impact on him. Natalya must have seen it a bit because she’s holding together ok, but not to the extent that he has. My anger deflates immediately as if it were a balloon. I can’t continue to be mad at that. It’s not his fault.

As always, it’s theirs.

We get back to discussing how to take them down. Lukas reveals he managed to take a picture of the dead body which, although it sounds horrible (and is), is great news. That’s the last piece of evidence I need. I can conclude the case soon and take down this organisation for good. Finally. Afterwards, I head back out into the common room, discovering that whatever remains of David were left are now gone.

All I’ve got to do now is start planning how I’m going to ask Lukas Bondevik to spend eternity with me.

I wish it hadn’t have taken the end of man’s life to make me realise that.

*

_A week later,_

“Hey, there you are! We’ve got to go in a couple of minutes! You ready?” Lukas strolls into my room, a grey jumper hanging off of his shoulders, his cross earring dangling downwards as always. He kisses my cheek, a smile decorating his features. Adorable. We’re supposed to be going to a ‘small’ celebration since I’ve been a member for three years. It seems this is a rite of passage. It’s also going to be the site where the police will raid and arrest all the members of this organisation. Needless to say, I’m extremely worried that things aren’t going to go well. That and I’m about to do something that may or may not impact my entire relationship with Lukas. I can feel the small black box in my pocket, a constant reminder of what I’m about to do.

“Ja. I’m ready.” I grab his hands, taking a deep breath as I stare into his beautiful indigo eyes. “Lukas, after we first kissed I wanted you to promise you wouldn’t break my heart. You replied that you had no control over the future, but you could guarantee that you would love and care for me while we were dating. It’s been two and a half years and you are fulfilling that. We both are. I’d been afraid of dating for too long and felt I would never have a lasting relationship, ending up alone for the rest of my life.” He frowns slightly, “What are you trying to say here, Mads?” I continue to grasp his hands, not wanting to stop and let the fear I’m feeling consume me.

“It’s been two and a half years and I have fallen completely head-over-heels in love with you. If I were to travel back in time and tell myself what I am about to do, you bet your ass I wouldn’t believe current me. I still can’t believe I’m about to do this too. But I am. And I’m really terrified. But I know that it will be ok. Because it’s you. So here it goes. I love you Lukas and I want nothing more than to continue to love you, until the day I die. Beyond that even. I want to continue to love you in the afterlife. And I hope you feel the same way.” I let go of his hands and retrieve the box, letting myself fall upon my left knee and reveal the ring. Something finally clicks and Lukas realises what’s happening, his mouth falling open slightly. “Lukas Bondevik, will you marry me?” At first, all he does is open and close his mouth repeatedly. But then, he begins to nod, a shaky laugh escaping from his lips. “Yes, Mathias Køhler. I will marry you.” Taking the ring out of the black box, he holds out his hand as I slip the ring onto his finger. I’m going to marry Lukas Bondevik. He said yes! He said yes! Oh my God, I’m getting married! I get to my feet and pull my fiancé into a tight hug. “Oh wow, I’m going to be receiving these hugs for the rest of my life. That’s amazing. You’re amazing. I just- wow, Mathias. Wow.”

His arms are around me, a small bubble of laughter escaping my lips. My head is spinning, and I feel giddy. So giddy. I’m going to marry Lukas Bondevik. Oh. My. God. Unreal. “You bet your cute ass that you’re going to be hugged constantly for eternity! I love you so much, Lu.” He buries his head into my chest, and I feel a slight dampness. Lukas is crying. “I love you too, you dumbass.” Our eyes meet, his filled with small tears but a grin on his face. He starts laughing, that laughter that sounds like windchimes. Man, I love him. “I love you so much, dumbass,” He brings his face closer to mine, our noses touching, “And now we’re getting married.” We are. And I’m ecstatic.

I’m going to marry him.

He's going to marry me.

Jesus Christ, I’m living a charmed life.

Once we’ve stopped crying and sharing an unnecessary amount of kisses (that is a joke, I will never get enough kisses from Lukas), I take his hands once more. “There is one more surprise I have for you today.” He begins to bite his lip, a confused expression taking over, “What is it? Or am I not supposed to know?” I kiss his cheek, trying not to think too much about how cute he looks when he’s confused. “It’s better if you know. I’m gonna get you out of here, Lukas. Today’s the day. You’ll be free soon. And then we can start our lives together.” At first he just stares, I don’t think he believes me, then his eyes widen, and his mouth falls slightly open. After that, he begins to smile, looking at me with what I presume is a look of love. “Than- thank you. I love you so fucking much right now.” Lukas buries his face into my chest once more, hugging me even tighter than before. “Thank you, Mads.”

“Soon you’ll be free, Lukas. I did promise you after all.”

*

_At the party, held in the building adjacent to the bakery and the Bondevik family’s base,_

Lukas

So far this day seems unreal. Of course, every day with someone like Mathias is like a dream but this… it’s different somehow. A different kind of unreal. It’s unreal that I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with Mathias Køhler. It’s unreal that after today I may actually be free. For the first time in my life. Free. And I have my fiancé to thank for it. Fiancé. Wow. I know I constantly think that I don’t deserve Mathias, that I’m not good enough for him. But he just proposed. I think he sees me differently than I see myself. Perhaps, after this is all over, I’ll start working on my self-esteem issues. One of the many things I can cover in therapy.

“Hey, you alright? You’re zoning out a lot,” Natalya waves her hand in my face, almost slapping me in the process. “Ja. Just got a lot on my mind.” She looks me up and down, “That’s not the only thing you’ve got weighing on you,” she grabs my hand and examines the ring, “So… you’re getting married?” She’s whispering, allowing me to disclose this information to whomever I see fit. “Yeah, I am. I can’t believe this is happening!” She smiles, this smile slightly bigger than her usual. “Congrats. He’s going to make you very happy. And I’m sure you’ll also make him happy.” Also the fact that Natalya and I have gotten past the whole dating situation now is amazing. She’s back to being my bestfriend, and I’m back to being hers. Life really is finally looking up for me. “Takk.”

“Ok! We’re here to celebrate one thing: Mathias being a part of our organisation for three years! You’re truly part of the family now, son,” My father begins, holding up a pint of beer, Mathias squirms beside me at ‘son’. I don’t blame him. “Of course, you are dating my son, so you’ve been part of the family for a while!” People around him erupt in laughter. I’m not sure why. Is that supposed to be funny somehow? “Here’s to a bright future, you’re going to do a lot of great things to this organisation!” Like bring you down? “Cheers!” The toast is complete, and everyone echoes the ‘cheers’ before downing their glass. I can see Emil scowling at his glass of water. RIP.

It all comes down to the moment of truth.

“Mathias, now’s your turn to give a speech,” My mother smiles and, as always, I can never tell whether it’s genuine or fake. Like her personality. Beside me, Mathias takes a gulp, I can see the small shake in his shoulders, he’s scared. I am too. “Ah, thanks, Mrs Bondevik. Um… ok-” There’s a small stutter, one that only I notice, one that only I know comes out when he’s afraid. Regardless of his fear, he stands tall, seemingly unwavering. “It’s been great to have been here for three years now, with all you amazing people.” More like nightmarish. Almost there. You’re almost there. “But first, I have an announcement-”

Then all hell breaks loose.

All I know is that police ran through the door, holding their guns at the members.

And that’s when the fighting begins.

We have to get to a wall. It’s far away from the chaos and doesn’t allow anyone to sneak up on you. We can stay safe over there. Get back to normal soon. Or, well, what others consider normal.

But Mathias stands there. In the midst of chaos.

Frozen.

I grab his arm.

Yank him over to the wall.

Take out my two knives and hand one to him.

Finally, he snaps out of whatever daydream he was in and back into reality. “Holy shit,” He mutters, his steady focus on the knife, allowing it to sit nicely within his hand. Our backs are to the wall, facing diagonally to the left and right, respectively. “Holy shit is right.” People all around us are getting tackled to the floor by police, men and women alike. Fights breaking out. Between police and members. Between members and members. No one trusts anyone. It’s anarchy. Weapons pulled out. People around me getting stabbed. Some members try to resist arrest, but it’s no use. Anarchy aside, it’s pretty fucking beautiful to see handcuffs being placed on so many people’s wrists. “Stay by my side, Lukas. Ok? I won’t let them hurt you.” And I won’t let the members hurt you either. I won’t let the two sides tear us apart.

We may be Romeo and Juliet but I’m not going to let this result in our deaths. Many people have rewritten that tragedy, and I’m going to be one of them. This will not result in death. It can’t.

Not after all we’ve been through.

This isn’t a cheap, not thought through fling. What we feel for each other is real. For the past three years we’ve gotten closer and closer. You understand how my mind works. You know about everything I’ve gone through. I know how your mind works. I know about everything you’ve gone through.

‘She loved me for the dangers I had passed, and I loved her that she did pity them’

You still love me after everything that has happened. You accept me, with all my many faults and flaws. You understand that my mind has been altered, that it doesn’t operate as everyone else’s does. You know that my mind is programmed for survival. How is now any different? I take comfort in your smiles. I take comfort in your ungodly amount of physical affection. All the hugs, the kisses, every little hand squeeze. All of it. I take comfort in your warmth and the fact that it will guide me through many a winter. Through all the good and bad times in my life. I’m not sure what today is categorised as, but just hearing you mutter ‘Holy shit’ calms me. I take comfort in you, Mathias.

We will survive this.

No matter what.

You understand me, I understand you. We will operate though this together and survive.

We have to.

This cannot be a modern Shakespearean tragedy. Please, don’t let it end that way.

We have to survive.

I don’t know what I would do without you, Mathias.

I really don’t.

But as you disappear from my side, my mother pulling you forwards, I realise life never obeys your wishes. Instead, it inflicts harm in the worst possible way. And I can’t do anything as she shouts obscenities at you, grabbing the knife from your hand, knowing you’re the ‘traitor’, grinning at me the entire time. She knows. She knows I helped you, doesn’t she? And she wants to get revenge by hurting someone I love most. You. I don’t do anything. Like every time my mother inflicts pain onto me. I just stand there. I do nothing. I freeze.

As she drives a knife into your stomach, one thought consumes me.

I’m sorry, Mathias. I’ve failed you.

You fall to the ground, clutching the wound, blood seeping through your fingers, a scream of agony. No one hears. There’s too much volume from everyone one else’s shouts. No one notices. They’re too preoccupied by everything else. In my panic, I notice my father tries to escape, but a small blond policeman tackles him, managing to put the cuffs on his wrists. I have no idea where Emil or Natalya are. The only other person I care about is desperately trying to stem the blood flow from his stab wound. She did this. My heart is beating in my ears, my breath quickening. She did this.

And she’s going to pay.

All she’s doing is standing there, laughing over your misery. Laughing over another one of my misfortunes. And now you’re caught in it. I’ve had enough of this. “It is one thing,” I let out a shaky breath, my voice quiet. I know she can hear me. “It is one thing to hurt me. Abuse me. Stab me time and time again. Destroy every ounce of my being. It is one thing to ruin my life. But it is completely another to stab my fiancé.” Storming over to her, I cannot contain my rage. I’ve had enough. It’s about time I stand up to her. Despite my rage, I put the knife back in its sheath. Don’t sink to her level. Instead, I decide to do the only thing that comes to mind.

I punch my own mother in the face. Right bang on the nose.

With my left hand, ring and all.

And there’s blood. Quite a bit of it.

There. That’s better.

Using her confusion and pain to my advantage, I tackle her to the ground, twisting her hands behind her back. Finally, a policeman comes over, one with ruby eyes and silver hair. He places the cuffs on her, and it’s as if I’m in a video game. 0 enemies remaining. “Thank you,” He says, German accent strong. I don’t pay attention. I’m just thinking about you. As he brings her to her feet, he then notices Mathias. “Oh shit,” He mumbles and manages to pass my mother off on another cop and she gets dragged away, screaming. I turn to Mathias, him still hunched over and wincing, gritting his teeth, tears streaming out of his eyes, trying not to scream.

A few more officers come over; I think to cuff me. No. No no no no no. I make eye contact with the policeman with the bright red eyes, “Please don’t. You’ve got to let me help him. Please. I just want to help him.” My face is damp. I’m crying. Begging to be able to stay by Mathias’ side. Please. This can’t be how it goes down. Please. “Please let me stay and help him.”

I need to be by his side.

Please.

He starts stammering, holding a hand up to the incoming officers, pausing to think. That’s when I hear a weak voice carrying a Danish accent, “Please, Gil. He’s safe.” At this, the policeman raises his eyebrows and obeys, dismissing the officers and calling over someone with glasses, blond hair, and a cowlick in scrubs. He mutters to the guy with glasses, “Mathias has been stabbed, he says this guy is safe. Take them to the storage room while I try deal with the chaos in here.” The albino leaves, walking with a brisk pace. I finally get to sit down on the ground next to my bleeding fiancé. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“I did nothing, Mads.”

“Still ain’t your fault. You didn’t stab me.”

A third voice enters the conversation, one with a heavy American accent, “You just had to go and get stabbed, dude. Didn’t you?” He circles round Mathias, and places his arms under Mathias, ready to pick him up. “Shut up, Jones.” Realising it’s a two-person job, I take Mathias feet and legs, slowly hoisting him up. Mathias winces slightly, gritting his teeth once more and my stomach drops. Please survive. _Please_. We slowly take him to the storage room, not too far from here but miles through all the chaos.

We eventually make it, ‘Jones’ and I placing him laying down on the floor, ‘Jones’ retrieving what looks like a first aid kit. Hey dude, you can’t put a plaster on a stab wound. “Ok, Mathias. I’m going to have to stitch up your wound. It will hurt a whole fucking ton because the anaesthesia is back in the ambulance. Alright?” Turns out he has actual things that can help us in the first aid kit. Mathias groans in response. I finally get the courage to look at his shirt. Ripped in places, drenched in blood, overall not looking good. That’s an understatement. And it allows me to see the wound in full. Oh my God, I want to puke.

It’s disgusting. You think after being stabbed a few times I’d be used to seeing the wounds. But no.

Taking his hand, I begin to talk, trying to not let him focus on the guy who’s about to stitch up his wound, “Mads. Are you the sort of person who plans their ideal wedding from childhood? I have a feeling you are.” As ‘Jones’ begins to do his job, Mathias decides to cut off all the oxygen from my hand. Ow ow ow. “You know me well,” He lets out a shaky breath, followed by many more. “I bet you can’t wait to start properly planning ours. Am I going to be making most of the decisions? No. But that’s ok, I don’t know the whole wedding area as well as you do.” A tight-lipped smile emerges, my hand still being crushed though. “Coming out as Pan, it was always up to fate what gender I would end up with. I didn’t have a straight, well not straight, answer like you did. It’s pretty cool that I’m marrying a man.” It’s working. I’m distracting him. All I’ve got to do is distract him long enough so ‘Jones’ can save his life. I don’t know how I’m holding it together, but I’ve got to be strong. He follows it with, “It’s pretty cool that I’m marrying you.” And I promptly want to burst into tears.

Stay strong.

For Mathias’ sake.

Inside, I’m breaking down so so much.

Hold it together, Bondevik.

God, even hearing ‘Bondevik’ in my thoughts right now makes me want to cry.

“Hm… for the wedding… I think it’s going to end up being quite small. You, me, Emil, Natalya, my brother, and his husband. You can count my parents out because they’re homophobic assholes. They’d just protest outside. They did at Berwald’s wedding. …Perhaps I’ll invite the rest of the squad, along with Gilbert and obviously you, Alfred.” Who the fuck is Alfred? And who the fuck is Gilbert? Not glancing up, ‘Jones’ asks, finally paying attention to the conversation, “You’re getting married? Since when? To who?” To that, my fiancé lets out a small wheeze, in place of a laugh. “Since this morning. To Lukas. That’s the guy next to you, dude.” I think this ‘Jones’ guy is Alfred. Perhaps Gilbert is the ‘Gil’ earlier.

“Oh! Really?! Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Alfred F. Jones. I would shake your hand but I’m pretty busy right now.” Mathias’ grip is finally lessening, and I can feel blood rushing back into it. “Lukas Bondevik. Pleasure to meet you.” Yep, he is Alfred. Again, ‘Bondevik’ makes me want to empty my guts. Mathias smiles at me. “Today’s been a whirlwind. But it’s gonna be ok,” Our eyes meet, his not full of tears anymore, “You’re not as good at hiding how much you’re falling apart Lukas as you think you are.” Fuck. I thought I was holding it together well. “I’m going to be fine. Al’s a great doctor.”

“I can confirm. He will be fine. You did a good job of stemming the flow, dude.” What’s with the constant ‘dudes’? Oh well. He’s really going to be fine? This isn’t going to end up like Romeo and Juliet? Not like a modern Shakespearean tragedy? Everything’s going to be… fine? “You’re all done, Mads! Let’s sit you up. Careful though, don’t want the stitches to come undone.” So, we take his freckled arms, and help him sit up slowly. He’s ok. Mathias is going to be alright. Thank fuck. Examining the stitches, I notice they’re really neat and tidy. Impressive. Alfred digs a bar of chocolate out of the first aid kit and hands it over to Mathias, whose back is up against a wall to support him. “Eat. It’ll increase your blood sugar levels which you need.” After eating some, Mads hands me a piece. I start to stammer out a protest, but he silences me, “You’ve been through a lot today. Eat it, Lukas.” So I do.

I can still hear screams and shouts from the other room. Seems that hasn’t been taken care of yet. The door opens and I jump out of my skin for a second. But it’s not a member of the organisation. No. This guy, blond, crazy caterpillar brows and emerald eyes, walks in. These emerald eyes widen on sight of my fiancé and his condition. “Hey, Artie! Everything’s good here! I managed to save Mathias’ life so that’s good. How’s everything out there?” Alfred is practically bouncing, not so serious now that the grave danger has passed. A small bubble of laughter escapes from my Dane’s lips, “‘Artie’?” Seems he’s alright to make jokes now. I’m glad. “Everything’s ok? Good. Um, things are very chaotic in there so I’m going to head back. I’m glad you’re going to be ok, Køhler.” He turns on his heel and leaves as quick as he came. My fiancé, being a cheeky little so-and-so, repeats, “‘Artie’?” A clear hint of amusement in his voice, smirking, eyebrows raised. Now, I don’t know Alfred as well as he does, but I can tell you this. On this, Alfred goes a very deep shade of pink, spluttering, “Shut up, Køhler.”

And my fiancé collapses into giggles.

*

Emil

“Emil, what the fuck?” A shout interrupts my daydream, piercing through my ears so my eyes focus onto my boyfriend, just past the police tape, hands cupped around his mouth. From what I can tell, he’s startled almost everyone in the surrounding area. Fuck’s sake Leon, can’t you tell that this is a crime scene? What I did not expect today, was a bunch of cops showing up during Mathias’ celebration. But it happened. And now I’m here. Thankfully cuffless. What a day this has been. Sure, it’s a shock that the organisation has now officially dissolved into chaos, the fact that my parents are going to spend the rest of their lives behind bars. And the panic that’s slowly setting in that my brother may join them. This day has certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions. And now my boyfriend is here, shouting at me in his confusion.

Might as well go talk to him.

I ask the two cops by me if I’m allowed to go up to him, one is the guy with blond hair and glasses that led me out of the chaos inside the hall, the other I think is his husband. They seem like a sweet couple, one intimidating and serious-looking, the other seemingly friendly and harmless (note ‘seemingly’ – this is the man who managed to tackle my father to the floor. I would suggest not to mess with him despite his cheery demeanour). They allow me and go back to their conversation, something about seeing someone they care about for the first time in years. Must be whoever brought this place down (it’s quite obvious to me that it was Mathias. I always knew he was too nice to be a low life).

I finally arrive in front of Leon, his brown hair covering his face from the breeze, a somewhat serious expression – must be due to the setting. “What,” I begin, “Are you doing over here?” Leon, or, if you were to refer to him by his full name, Ka Lung ‘Leon’ Wong, has been my boyfriend for what, a year and a half? Quite impressive for a pair of seventeen-year olds. I still haven’t told my family about my queerness, despite knowing that of all people Lukas would accept me with open arms, and also about my lack of sexual attraction. Only Mathias and Leon himself know. Mathias has been there since my initial confusion and was really supportive when I was questioning. Can’t believe he managed to last three years without people figuring out that he didn’t belong there. So, after a lot of tears and stress, I’ve settled on asexual homoromantic. It feels right. And I’m glad that Leon’s ok with that, and that he respects all my boundaries. I love him. Even if I am reluctant to admit that.

“What am I doing here? Em, I just came to get a muffin for fuck’s sake. What is a crime scene doing here and why are you involved?” He blows the hair out of his face, a stern expression taking over. He’s pissed. Which is fair, to be honest. If I found him in the midst of a crime scene I would freak. “Um, well I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you, but my family’s getting arrested so there’s that.” A look of alarm now. “But I’m not! So that’s good!” I wave my hands, trying to stop him panicking. It’s not working. Why it not- oh, I guess this situation seems normal to me. Not to him. “Why the fuck is your family getting arrested? I-”

“Leon, what on earth are you doing here?” A voice, one accompanied by a British accent, interjects. Blond hair, caterpillar brows, police uniform. I can see some similarity with Leon’s eyebrows, though my boyfriend’s are less extreme than this middle-aged man standing in front of me. “I just came to get a fucking muffin, ok! I didn’t ask for all this drama to be happening!” He gestures around wildly, “Arthur, what’s happening? Can someone please tell me before I explode!” Seem like Leon has no time for being calm and aloof now. Again, I wouldn’t if I were in his situation. He has a right to be angry and confused. “What’s happening is that we’re finally taking down one of the biggest crime organisations in New York. You know this young man?” ‘Arthur’ replies, clearly referring to me. “He’s my boyfriend,” Leon states, making eye contact with me. He’s less angry now. I can’t see the veins in his neck anymore, a feature he gets from his father, Yao.

“Well, your boyfriend’s family ran this organisation. He’s in the clear though. Hold on a second-” He turns away to answer something on his radio. “So you’ve got him on the ambulance now?” Shit. Who got hurt? And who hurt them? Probably one of my parents, let’s be fair. Shit. “Alright, I’ll see you there in a bit, Alfred.” And so, the conversation is over.

“Why did you never tell me this, Em?” Leon stares me down, a sort of sad look, as if my life is broken. Perhaps it is. I don’t know. It’s always been normal to me. This is just how my life is. To me, it’s normal to hate your parents for everything they’ve done, for all the scars they’ve left littered over your brother’s body, for every scream of agony I hear, for every member who I hear met a ‘sticky end’ as they put it. It’s just plain normal. But perhaps that’s why I feel so depressed when I’m round Leon’s. Because I know that will never be my family. All that joking around with siblings, kind loving parents, the actual feeling that you have a family. I will never have that. The closest I get is Lukas who’s like my only real parent anyway, but I have a feeling he’s almost broken beyond repair. I don’t know how much more he’d be able to take.

I’ll have to thank Mathias. For getting him out of there before it’s too late. Before I was forced to join (I know I have no say in the matter). I’ll have to thank him.

“Wasn’t something I could really tell you.” I don’t know what to say. No one offers up any advice on what to do when your boyfriend finds out how messed up your family life is. He wants to give me a hug, I can see it written all over his face. Too bad this police tape is separating us. Much like how our two worlds are separate. His full of happiness and wonder. Mine full of theft, murder, and depression. Fun.

‘Arthur’ arrives back (I didn’t realise he had left) with the two men who were looking after me earlier. The two’s somewhat happy demeanour has disappeared, fear consuming their eyes, their smiles becoming frowns. Once again, I’m left confused, wondering what happened. “Berwald, Tino, take Emil to the hospital with you so he can reunite with his brother. Leon, are you going too?”

Everyone’s mouths are moving.

But I can’t hear anything.

What- what is happening?

Why is Lukas at the hospital? What happened to him?

Who hurt my brother?

I swear to God if someone hurt my brother they are going to pay.

They are going to fucking pay.

*

Lukas

Upon arrival at the hospital, Mathias was loaded up onto a bed, multitudes of tubes now stretching out of him, one being an anaesthetic. Needless to say, my fiancé is now acting as if he were drunk. After the day I’ve had it’s quite amusing. “You- You are the most beautiful man I have ever met, Lu,” He begins to giggle into my chest, his crazy blond hair spreading everywhere. He’s so adorable. “And now we’re getting married!” Mathias pulls his head out of my chest, throwing his arms in the air. My fiancé being the equivalent of drunk is deliriously funny in my opinion. He just becomes even more clingy, giggly, and smiley. I love him so much. “We are getting married, ja.” We are, aren’t we? I still can’t believe that. Other things I can’t believe: that was only this morning. It feels like a lifetime since then. It’s been one hell of a day, emphasise on ‘hell’. But being proposed to was almost certainly the best part.

I think it’s safe to say that when Mathias Køhler asked me to become his husband that it was the happiest moment of my life.

There hasn’t been much to compare it to, to be fair.

But now I’m getting married to the sweetest, funniest man on the planet. And life could not be any better than it is right now. Just the two of us, out of that dreadful place. Alright, what happened to Mathias earlier will haunt me forever, that crushing fear of losing him, but he’s ok. We’re here now. We made it. And we’re still alive.

This wasn’t a modern Shakespearean tragedy. It won’t end that way.

I still don’t know what I would do without you, Mathias.

I really don’t.

“’Sup, dudes! How are you doing in here?” Alfred F. Jones strolls in, a pad in hand, grin on his face. Guess he’s happy to be out of there too. Not as much as I am though. “Al! Heyyyy!” My sort of drunken fiancé holds out his arms. He wants a hug, I see. Crazy drunk man. God, I love him, the excitable puppy he is, I love him. “I think you’ve had enough anaesthesia, Mads.” As if he were a child, Mathias immediately starts to whine whilst Alfred unplugs the medicinal drugs from him. Guess he’ll start to sober up soon. “We’re good. He’s just been very clingy,” I laugh, feels good to laugh after today’s events. “Al, I never knew you were into Captain Kirkland. What’s happening there, dude?” Slightly less crazy already (I know that’s not how it works but still pretty funny that that’s the first proper normal sentence he’s said since we arrived at the hospital).

“I- uh-” The American starts to blush, his cheeks darkening considerably, “We started dating a year or so ago. I’m bisexual.” So, this doctor, who I gather is close friends with my fiancé, is dating the man who we met earlier, Mathias’ captain. I’m not good at telling people’s ages but I’m pretty sure that Mathias’ captain is in his early fifties. “Wow! So much has happened since I left! It’s crazyyyy. Isn’t he like, ten or so years older than you, Al?” Alfred goes even darker, averting his gaze. This must be what it’s like to meet your partner’s friends for the first time, having to get all caught up in the drama. From what I can tell, Mathias’ friends are quite like him. Though I have only met one. “So what if he is? I love hi-” At this, he slaps his hand over his mouth, eyes widening.

“Holy shit. I think I’m in love with Arthur Kirkland.” It’s cute really. Watching other people in love, knowing that hopefully they’ll get to experience the same bliss as I have for over two and a half years. It’s truly a beautiful feeling. Every day I wake up next to Mathias Køhler and now I will continue to wake up next to him for the rest of my days, provided everything goes well. No, Lukas, don’t think about your upcoming trial. Everything’s going to be fine. You’re going to be fine. Mathias has planned for this. He’s prepared for every possibility. “You’re in love with Captain Kirkland? That. Is. So. Cute!” Clearly still hopped up on medicinal drugs, Mathias proceeds to drive the cuteness of it home by waving his arms around and almost hitting me in the face. What is it with people almost hitting me in the face today? If I didn’t love this idiot to the ends of the earth I’d be pretty fucking pissed right now.

You got lucky, you son of a bitch.

I love him so goddamn much I swear to God.

*

Later, my fiancé finally returned back to his normal (only slightly less extreme) self. Alfred has had to go look after other patients as the situation is alright now here. So it’s just us once more. “I’m so sorry you got stabbed. I did nothing.” And I’m back with the depressing thoughts that eat me up inside once more. My life is great. “You panicked, Lukas. It happens to the best of us. I’m fine now so please don’t beat yourself up about it,” He takes my hands and stares deep into my eyes, his usual cheery self replaced with sadness. But I- I did nothing. I just let it happen. “I love you so much, and just think, we can now begin the rest of our lives with each other,” Mathias leans in and kisses me, his lips slightly chapped but, as always, it installs a calmness within me. “Love you too.”

The door bursts open, starling us, “Where is my brother? I swear to God, I’m gonna kill someone if he’s hurt!” White fluffy hair, a frown on his face. Yep, it’s Emil. I knew it. He stops in the doorway, blocking the masses of people behind him. Wait- masses of people? What the fuck? My little brother’s eyes widen when he realises that I’m not the one in the hospital bed, hooked up on wires. “Uh, kid. Probably not a good idea to say that with so many police officers present,” Mathias laughs, laying back into the pillow propped up behind him. I try examine the crowd behind my lillebror, I think I see the two from the restaurant a year and a half ago (Mathias’ brother and brother-in-law), my brother at the front, a kid that I’ve never seen in my life with brown chin-length hair, Natalya and Mathias’ captain, the one that Alfred is in love with. Oh God, too many people. I don’t like this.

Calm, Lukas. It’s ok. You know some of these people. And they are here because they are worried about you and Mathias.

It’s ok.

You’ll be fine.

We can socialise for a little while.

Emil glances to the people behind him, eyes widening, “Oh. Yeah. Didn’t mean it. Sorry.” The brown-haired kid next to him face palms whist my younger brother approaches the bed. “So… Lukas, you’re not hurt? And Mathias is? What the fuck happened?” Mathias flings his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into the pillow with him. “Your mother stabbed me is what happened. Also, your brother was so fucking cool. He punched her in the face. I was in agony at the time, but it was awesome.” Grinning once more, he plants a kiss to my cheek. Normally, that action wouldn’t affect me, but, thanks to the amount of people present, my cheeks heat up. “Mum did WHAT- And also, Lukas did WHAT-” Emil stammers, the people behind him staying quiet but listening with wide eyes. “She stabbed Mathias. What was I supposed to do? I’d had enough of her ruining my life.”

Ruining my life is a fucking understatement.

“That’s fair. She was a right bitch. Are you ok, Mathias?” Emil sits down on the edge of the bed right beside me, a concerned look on his face. “I’m right as rain, kid! The drugs in this place are good and my wound’s all stitched up. I’m going to be fine.” Finally, all the crowds of people behind Emil pile into the room, rather than standing in the doorway. Mathias’ brother sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Thank God you’re ok. I was worried sick.” My fiancé smiles once more, his entire face lighting up with excitement. “Come here, Ber! You too, Tino! I wanna hug you guys so hard! I’ve missed you both like hell!”

And so they come over, being pulled into a massive bear hug by Mathias. It’s sweet. They’re all grinning, the smile stretching ear to ear, even Mathias’ brother (whom I cannot quite remember his name, but I’m not calling him ‘Ber’). It’s a sweet reunion. That’s when Mathias starts sobbing, burying his face into their chests.

It may just be the day I’m having, but I begin to tear up too.

“Missed you too, Mads. We have so much to tell you,” The shorter one, or ‘Tino’, adds, not letting go. “As do I you!” My fiancé exclaims, finally breaking away from the hug, cheeks, and eyes red, snot running down his face. Gross. God, I love him so much. “For starters, I got engaged this morning!” And we’re beginning straight away with that are we? It doesn’t take a genius to piece together the cheek kiss with Mathias’ statement. Great, I feel even more awkward.

So, this is how it goes.

Mathias, in a hospital bed after being stabbed, reveals to his family and co-workers that he is now engaged to me, a person who could be considered a criminal. Life is great. Someone please kill me.

They’re going to hate me.

I just know it.

Because I’m a Bondevik.

Bondeviks are bad.

A Bondevik stabbed Mathias in the stomach.

And now I’m slowly awaiting my court trial and the possibility of spending the rest of my life behind bars.

I hate this.

“You’re engaged. Really. You. Mathias Køhler. Engaged.” Tino stammers out, folding his arms across his chest in disbelief. “Why is that so surprising?” My fiancé cries, finally having cleared the snot and tears away, a tissue bundled up in his hand. “Given your, um, terrible romantic history,” His brother finishes, looking more awkward than he normally does. “New year, new me. I found love. And now I’m engaged. And I could not be happier.” I couldn’t be happier either. Well, once my trial’s over and I can live a normal life I will be. But right now, I’m good. I think. Day’s been a whirlwind. Getting engaged was the best part, hands down.

At least we know I won’t forget today.

Not for as long as I live.

“So, you’re engaged to Lukas I’m assuming?” ‘Ber’ looks at me and back at his brother, glasses sliding down his nose. He pushes them back up with two fingers. “Ja. I am. I’m engaged to the most gorgeous and caring man in the entire world,” He turns to me, staring into my eyes and leans in. I let him press a kiss against my lips, the softness of his lips calming me once more. If Mathias could kiss me for eternity, would I never be stressed? God, I wish that were a thing. We break apart, a small smile decorating my features, “Most gorgeous and caring? Dumbass, I think you are talking about yourself, not me.” He laughs slightly and leans in once more. “Nope. Definitely talking about you.” 

“Congratulations, you two!” Mathias’ brother-in-law smiles, outstretching his hand, “I’m Tino Väinämöinen-Oxenstierna, Mathias’ brother-in-law. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Lukas!” Short blond hair, rosy cheeks, a constant smile (though not as constant as my fiancé), wedding band on his finger, quite chubby- I recognise him. Wait, this is the man who tackled my father earlier. “Hi. Yeah, I’m Lukas Bondevik,” Saying that still makes me want to puke, “You’re the man who arrested my father earlier, aren’t you? Amazing job, by the way.” We shake hands.

“I am and thank you! Sorry about arresting your father but it had to be done.”

“It absolutely had to be done, you are right. He was a complete dick so no hard feelings at all!” This earns a laugh from a few people in the room, Mathias and Tino included, whilst I notice Natalya gives a stiff smile. I hope she’s alright. We lost track of her earlier, so I hope everything went ok. She seems to be alright, no physical injuries. But that place was chaos. I know today certainly mentally impacted me (note to self: if the trial is successful, get therapy immediately)(and get Mathias to join your sessions, you cannot do it alone). And Mathias too, even though he gives the impression he’s fine. He is not. We both know it. He is going to be traumatised from this. I know I am, and I wasn’t even the one being stabbed.

“Oh! Mads, we’ve got some huge news for you!” Tino exclaims excitedly, waving his arms around. “Really? Then spill, Ti! You two, Ber!” After getting excited himself, my fiancé then places his hand on my arm and whispers, “You ok? You seem… I want to say traumatised? But um, you seem stressed.” Why does this man always read me so well? I’ve trained myself so people can’t. Guess there’s a reason why he’s my fiancé. “Ja, I’m traumatised. Are you not?” I reply, leaning to whisper in his ear whilst Tino is scrolling through his phone to find this ‘news’ he has. “I mean, yes, but I’m finally reunited with my family so I’m repressing the hell out of this trauma.” That cannot be healthy. Oh well, we’ll go to therapy soon. That’ll help.

“Here it is!” A phone is shoved right in front of our faces, making whatever picture is on the screen appear blurry. I can’t make out what that is. Mathias grabs the device and extends it so we can both see. It’s a picture of two small boys, from my knowledge roughly around the age of five, I’d say, standing outside a house, dressed up in school uniform, a tooth missing here and there. The one on the left is taller, has blond hair, blue eyes and a cheeky grin, a Band-Aid plastered to his cheek. On the right, a kid with bright ginger hair, blue eyes, and a scar across his nose, he’s more serious than the other kid, but the tips of his lips are curved upwards. “Cute. But what am I looking at exactly?”

“Mathias,” Berwald begins, “Yer now an uncle. That’s our two kids, Peter and Axel.” He smiles for once, looking down at the picture with pride. It’s cute, I remember looking that way when Emil was born. Being twenty-one at the time, I practically helped raise him. Maybe that’s why I’m open to the possibility of having kids. If there wasn’t that ever-present fear that I would be a shit parent since mine were. “You what-” Mathias gapes, “You guys adopted kids? I- oh my God.” Then he breaks down again, pulling them back into a hug. “You guys are dads now! Holy shit. I’m going to spoil them rotten, you hear me?” 

What follows afterwards is a lot more tears and a lot more hugs. Everyone is introduced to everyone else, including myself being introduced to Leon, my brother’s boyfriend of one year and a half (Emil being asexual homoromantic… that I did not see coming)(but I love and support him so much). A lot of catching up takes place. Mathias finding out that, on top of adopting two five-year olds, his brother is now a sergeant. He also quietly teases his captain over Alfred. I have a small conversation with Emil about my engagement to Mathias, he seems to be really happy that we’re engaged, and really happy that Mathias is part of our lives now. I know I am.

And I’m actually able to push today’s events out of my mind.

Well.

All but one.

The fear of my upcoming court trial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe that the next chapter will be the last one for this fanfic. It's actually making me really emotional because this has been an incredible journey and this will actually be my first ever finished fanfic! That's never happened before!
> 
> But I wouldn't worry. I'm certainly not done with these two dorks. We've still got the last chapter to go and I may write a spinoff one day (whether that would be Lukas and Natalya's life within the organisation growing up, or perhaps a Tino/Berwald centred story, or perhaps even a look into our favourite dorks lives after the events of this story have taken place)
> 
> We'll just have to wait and see XD
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you in the next (and last) one!


	10. Only the lonely survive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank my friend Ben for introducing me to this amazing song! I don't know if anyone of you have ever heard a song before a thought 'holy fuck this is my fic' but it's a strange feeling, and an even stranger one to have only heard this when you're working on the last chapter of said fic (wish I had known it sooner lol)
> 
> So here it is. The grand finale. I hope I did a good job and that everything ties neatly in!   
> (Please listen to the song when I have the link in the chapter, otherwise a specific part won't have as much as an effect!)

Mathias

Even if you didn’t know him too well, you would be insane to not notice the difference in Lukas Bondevik after finally breaking out of the prison he called a home for his entire life.

Unfortunately, the change I’m talking about is not one of a positive nature. Sure, he is happy, but you don’t think I don’t notice the times when he becomes quiet, withdrawn, locking his feelings away once more, not telling me what’s bothering him. It’s like we’re back to when we first met, he’s not open with me, not sharing his feelings with his own fiancé. I’ve even asked Emil if he knows what’s going on and he has no clue.

Even his own brother has no idea.

It’s killing me, making me doubt everything, wondering whether I did something wrong, whether there is bad news on the way. Does he not want to get married after all? Is it the trauma of what we went through to have to get out of that place? Is this because he’s still beating himself up over what happened to me? I’ve told him quite a few times that it’s not his fault. But maybe he doesn’t believe me.

What’s going on? Why won’t he tell me? Why won’t he tell Emil?

Every time I bring up his withdrawn nature and try work up the nerve to ask him about it, he changes the conversation quickly.

Why won’t he tell me what’s bothering him?

Is it that my apartment doesn’t feel like home? Is it to do with our wedding? Has he realised he doesn’t love me? Is it to do with me being stabbed?

Apartment? Wedding? Love? Stabbed?

I- I don’t know.

I’m just so confused.

Sighing, I burrow into the sofa, pulling the remote close to me. Let’s have a distraction, Mathias. You are not letting these thoughts rule your life. Let’s have a break from the depressing mindset. God, I need some comedy. Flicking through the channels, my mind is just a mix of the repeated word ‘comedy’ over and over again, mixed with those depressing questions.

Comedy. Comedy. Comedy. Comedy.

Apartment. Wedding. Love. Stab wound.

Ah! Finally some comedy! Brooklyn 99 you are an absolute saviour as always!

And favourite show so bonus positivity. Let’s destroy these negative thoughts with Jake Peralta, shall we?

So I click on it, just after my brain catches the words ‘season four’. Ooh, ok, cool! The season number doesn’t matter since every single episode is hilarious so it will have a great impact on my mood. Well done self, you are going to beat these depressing thoughts. Ugh, missed the first few minutes, that’s ok, I’ve seen the show dozens of times, so I’ll be able to work out what’s happening.

My fiancé comes into the room, notes me watching tv and then sits down next to me. That’s fine. Cool cool cool cool. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change anything. Brooklyn 99 will still surely distract me. Here comes the positivity.

Wait-

Why does Boyle have white hair?

_Oh-_

Oh no.

Not the trial episode. That is the exact opposite of positivity goddammit! I wanted to cheer myself up not watch Jake and Rosa’s trial go awfully wrong. Oh for fuck’s sake.

Lukas’ head suddenly rests on my shoulder, his soft curls spilling over my shirt. “Which episode is this?” He mumbles, his voice still quiet, still withdrawn. “The one where Jake and Rosa are on trial,” I reply, not taking my eyes off of the screen. But something happens. Lukas does something while I’m talking that I didn’t anticipate.

As soon as I say the word ‘trial’ he jolts, tensing every muscle in his body, pulling himself away from me, glancing very firmly at the floor, lips parted, eyes wide. Trial. Oh my God.

It’s not about the apartment, the wedding, our love, my stab wound.

Lukas is acting strange because his court trial is in two days.

That’s what this is about.

This is why he’s so withdrawn and quiet. He’s _terrified_.

I switch off the tv immediately, it’ll probably just make things worse for him. Stretching my hand out, I tentatively pat his arm, not wanting to go in with a hug just yet. “Is this why you’ve been so quiet lately? Is it about… you know…?” I ask the obvious question, even though I’m pretty sure I know the answer. I need confirmation though.

He turns to face me, eyes full of fear, blinking rapidly, bottom lip quivering. Oh my God- poor guy. I should’ve guessed that this would have been something that terrified Lukas. I mean, the entire rest of his life is determined by what happens in two days’ time. And by what the judge decides.

Leaning into me, his head buried in my chest, he croaks out a small, “Ja”, trying to not burst into tears. I finally pull him closer, him constantly wary of my stitches, my hand stroking his hair. “You’re worried about the outcome, huh.” His arms grab my shirt tightly, his body shaking. Shit. I have no idea how to handle this. How do I convince him everything’s fine if I’m not even sure if the outcome of the trial will be the one we want it to be? How? I know I’ve got to be the strong one here, my fiancé is going through hell right now. But, for once in my life, I have no idea how to spin a positive outlook on this, no idea how to convince Lukas that he will be fine.

Fuck.

“I don’t want to go to prison, Mads,” He sobs, finally letting out all the emotion he’s kept locked inside for days, and it spills out all over me, “And I don’t know what will happen to us if I do end up going. This will destroy your reputation- being engaged to some low life like me- I can’t do that to you. I don’t want to destroy your career. I’m not worth it, Mathias. I’m really not.”

“Lukas- Even if you do go to prison, we’re not going to break up. And you are completely worth it. Being with you means more to me than my career ever will. I don’t care if my reputation is destroyed, all I need in life is to be with you. That’s why I asked you to marry me, dumbass.” He giggles slightly at ‘dumbass’ his nickname for me reversed onto him for once. “We will get through this. Because we are Lukas and Mathias. And you are worth it. You will always be worth it.”

We lock eyes, his grip loosens. “We can do this,” I add, “You will not go to prison. We’ll kick this you-know-what’s stupid ass!” Smiling ever so slightly, he wipes the tears away, then presses our lips together. “I love you, sunshine.”

“Love you too, sweetie,” I reply before kissing him once more. “We can do this.”

“We can.”

_Two days later,_

Lukas

So, this is it. My trial. We are, from what I can tell, the majority of the way through and yet I have no idea what the outcome will be. Do I want to run out of here, never look back, buy a fake passport, and live as a completely different person in another country? For sure. Am I scared shitless of the potential outcome? Definitely. Do I want the ground to swallow me whole? Absolutely. But I can’t change this. I have to have this court trial.

It’s out of my control now.

All I can do is hope for the best. For me, and for Natalya who also has her trial today. At least our circumstances are the same, she was forced into the organisation like I was by her parents (who are high up members). So if I get a good outcome, hopefully she should as well.

All I have to do is stand here, in my suit, while Berwald tries to defend me (Mathias wasn’t allowed to defend me because of our relationship- it would have been too biased)(Berwald knows me significantly less so he was allowed).

More time passes, more questions are asked, and my stomach keeps sinking. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Nothing much happens until the judge finally decides that he’s reached a judgement. I make eye contact with my fiancé, seated behind me, him sending me a reassuring smile. I appreciate his efforts, but it doesn’t work. Fuck. Someone just fucking end me. Please.

“We find the defendant…” He starts and my breath catches in my throat. Oh God. Please no. Please please please no. I don’t want to go to prison. All I want to do is go home, kiss my gorgeous fiancé, plan my wedding to said gorgeous fiancé, marry him and then live the rest of my life with him. Is that too much to ask? Please please please no.

“Not guilty.”

OH MY GOD-

Are they serious? I- I- Wow.

It’s going to be ok. I can go home. Kiss my gorgeous fiancé. Plan my wedding to said gorgeous fiancé. Marry him. Live the rest of my life happy and with him.

Oh my absolute fucking God.

“However, we have decided to give Lukas Bondevik two years of community service as a result of his work in the organisation. That is our decision.”

I don’t care. Community service will be great. Much better than jail. Oh my God. Oh my God!

The court starts to empty, people leaving after hours of sitting there. I finally get to turn to Mathias, my grin possibly the widest it’s ever been. He lets out a yell, one of celebration before rushing towards me, lifting me off the ground and spinning me round and round in an embrace. “We did it! We fucking did it! Oh my God, Lukas!” When he places me down his arm snakes around my waist and drags me in for a kiss, his lips reminding me of the freedom I now have, the life I’m going to build with this man.

And I finally get to just be happy. Crazy, deliriously happy.

_Roughly around a year later,_

Mathias

“So…” Berwald leans over to me, adjusting his glasses, “You nervous?” I continue to keep my eye on my reflection, doing up my tie. My hair is perfect (well, as perfect as you can get with my hair), my face is, well, my face, my tux looks great as far as I can tell, and I smile when I notice the small Norwegian heart tattoo I got done on my neck a few weeks ago, an early wedding gift to myself, matching with Lukas’ Danish flag one. And I said I was never going to get another tattoo… well, people change.

“Not at all. I was born for this. Born to marry Lukas Bondevik, who, after today, will be Lukas Bondevik-Køhler.” I finish tying the tie, letting it sit firmly in place. “I’m surprised you aren’t nervous, though to be fair you aren’t me. When I was marrying Tino, I was so nervous I thought I might pass out.” This evokes a giggle from me, slipping out of my lips as I glance at my best man. “I remember. You were pretty much on the verge of a panic attack, thinking he was going to ‘come to his senses’ and decide not to marry you after all.”

I punch him in the arm lightly, smirking, “And look. You didn’t have anything to worry about. Happily married, two amazing sons and a small dog. You are living the dream, bro.” He smiles, then starts fiddling with his hair, trying to make sure everything is perfect.

Today I’m marrying Lukas Bondevik, after dating him for about three and a half years. And it is awesome. Every little detail that reminds me of what’s happening today causing my face to break out in a smile, an even larger one than usual. I am going to marry Lukas Bondevik. I’m actually getting married (which is surprising given my terrible dating history) and it’s to the most amazing man on the planet.

Can’t believe we ever used to hate each other.

Now look at us.

Keeping my eyes on my reflection, I notice the small pool of tears under my eyes. Now’s not the time for waterworks. You can cry after the ceremony, Mathias. Keep it together or you will bawl like a baby when you see Lukas in his suit, ready to marry you. Keep it together.

Everything has been taken care of. Berwald and myself. He looks me up and down, checking there’s not one hair out of place (metaphorically stating- you can’t get this mess under control)(believe me, we’ve tried). His lips stretch into a small smile before asking me if I’m ready.

“I was born ready, Ber. Let’s do this!”

*

I swear, the moment I catch sight of Lukas, I know that I was right to try hold it together. Sure, suits look slightly out of place on him (me being used to seeing him in some sort of punk-y attire, especially leather jackets) but he’s stunning, nonetheless.

_There's a blur of movement and suddenly the two fighters are practically on other sides of the room. In the middle of them is a very attractive man. Holy shit, he's hot. His indigo eyes narrow at the two fighters, his blond hair cut into an undercut with the rest flopping slightly over the left side of his face. A black cross earring dangles under his right ear and a curl protrudes from the side of the floppy hair. And hot damn, he is my type. Get it together, Mathias, now's not the time to become a gay mess._

And now I’m a gay mess once more, standing in front of my almost-husband. Honestly whenever Lukas smiles I just melt. I love him so much and it’s taking every single fucking bit of my willpower not to cry.

“Now is the time for you to exchange your vows,” Captain Kirkland (who kindly volunteered to marry us) glances over at Lukas, who shifts nervously but still maintains a smile, tucking his hair behind his ear.

“Mathias, I love you so so much. And now we’re getting married. It’s… incredible,” He glances down at his cue cards and then back up at me, eyes sparkling. “You still love me after everything that has happened, even though at first I hated the very sight of you, every after every single thing that happened in that damn place.”

“You accept me, with all my many faults and flaws. I know I’m not perfect, and, deep down, you know it too, but you don’t care. And I love you so much for that. You understand that my mind has been altered, that it doesn’t operate as everyone else’s does. You know that it has been programmed for survival, and thanks to you, I can now work on changing that programming.”

Lukas’ voice wobbles, trying to keep a steady face but failing. He’s on the verge of tears. Wow. I never thought I’d be the one who managed to hold it together longer. I’m the one who’s more comfortable crying in front of others. Lukas must hate that I lasted longer than him.

“I- Um- I take comfort in your smiles,” He finally breaks down, the tears falling to the ground. “I take comfort in your ungodly amount of physical affection and I love it. Never change that about yourself, ok? All the hugs, the kisses, every little hand squeeze. All of it. I love all of it. I take comfort in your warmth and am safe in the knowledge that I will have that for all eternity. Through all the good and bad times in my life.” Oh great. Now I’m crying. Trust me to only last like a second longer than Lukas.

“Even hearing you mutter ‘Holy shit’ installs a strange calm in me.” At the curse word giggles erupt throughout the hall. “I take comfort in you, Mathias, and I promise to love you for all eternity, just as much as you love me.” He finally stops talking, placing the cue cards away, the both of us still sobbing.

I just want to hug him.

But I can’t. Not until the ceremony is over and he is my husband.

Feels like forever until then.

“Mathias, your turn.”

Right. Ok. Here goes.

“Before I met you, I had stopped believing in love, especially true love. Every person I had been with before had dumped me for multiple different reasons. No matter how many times I’d change aspects of myself it was never enough. So I poured myself into work, drowning everything else out. Heck, the sole reason I took that undercover job was because I didn’t want to break people’s relationships apart. Everyone else in my precinct was either in a serious dating relationship, engaged or married. And I couldn’t let any of them go undercover.”

“So I took the job and I’m immensely glad that I did. If someone else had taken it I wouldn’t have met you. So here we are. Getting married,” I choke up for a split second but power on, seeing his smile, the look of love in his eyes. “I love you so so much, Lu. And as I said when we got engaged, I will continue to love you in the afterlife. I love you.”

And I’m done, just looking at my husband-to-be’s face. He brushes his hair out of his face again (nervous habit of his)(it’s really cute), his lips twitching into a smile, whispering, “I love you too. And I will continue to love you in the afterlife also.” All we do is keep smiling, throughout the entire ceremony. We smile when we place the ring on each other’s fingers, beaming once we see that gold wedding band slide up, our eyes brightening with the knowledge that this is it. This is forever.

“Lukas Bondevik, do you take Mathias Køhler to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

My husband-to-be gives me one final grin, his eyes never leaving mine, “I do.”

“Mathias Køhler, do you take Lukas Bondevik to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

I return the grin, readiness and adrenaline sweeping through my body, proclaiming enthusiastically, “I do!” perhaps a smidge too loud and enthusiastic as giggles wipe through the hall once more.

“I now proclaim you husband and husband. You may kiss each other.”

And by God, do I pull that man in quickly. I’ve had to wait for far too long and now I finally get to hold him again, run my hands through his hair, feel his lips on mine. Lukas Bondevik, well, now Lukas Bondevik-Køhler, my husband, presses his lips against mine and I’ve never been happier.

Lukas

Ok. Ceremony’s over. Now it’s the reception. And by God am I scared shitless. Why? You might ask. Well, I decided to do some big gesture, had it all planned out and am now wondering whether I should chicken out at the last minute. I can’t do this. It was hard enough when we exchanged our vows, me speaking about my deepest feelings for Mathias in front of all those people. I can’t do this. This was a really bad idea.

Why did I decide I was going to serenade Mathias in front of loads of people? Why? What the fuck was going through my brain? Oh my God. I cannot do this. No way in a million years.

Not even to a song that I feel really fits our relationship, especially when we were stuck at the organisation. I can’t do this.

But then I catch his gaze, his cute cornflower blue puppy eyes staring right at me. He grins and my stomach sinks, the knowledge that I can’t back down on this forcing its way to the forefront of my mind. It’s for Mathias, Lukas. You have to do it.

Remember your vows? You promised to love him just as much as he loves you, that’s including romantic gestures. Can’t break those now. Mathias would do this for you, you should do the same for him. Plus the band’s already prepared for this. They’re going to be ready any minute now. You cannot back down on this.

You can do it.

All you’ve got to do is open your mouth and sing.

You do it in the shower, how is now any different?

There are no people in the shower other than me, that’s how. Ok, so just close your eyes, or just focus on Mathias. Stare at his cute little face, count every last freckle if you have to.

You can do this, Lukas Bondevik-Køhler.

You can do this.

I nod at the band, swallowing down my fear, trying to control my breathing so it doesn’t become too short and quick because no one can sing if they are panicking. Stay calm. Breathe. Look at Mathias, Lukas. Ok? He’s your husband and the very sight of him calms you slightly. You can do this.

“Hello, everyone,” I push my chair out from under me and stand up, holding the microphone to my mouth. “I have something special planned, something for my special someone, who is now my husband.” Quiet settles on the room as if it were a heavy blanket and I continue, “So this is it. I love you, Køhler.” He rolls his eyes at hearing his last name, something I haven’t referred to him as for a while. Man, does it take me back.

The band starts playing, my heart is drumming in my ears but it’s too late now, too late to turn back. I love you, Mathias. Think of this as a bonus wedding present.

It’s almost my time to start singing so I take a deep breath, focus on my husband and _sing._

**(Please listen to the song to get a full grasp of the scene!<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTfZO1vI0_8> )**

“ _I don’t know how you feel yourself_

_But I’d rather hurt here than be happy somewhere else_

_No one will scar me like you do_

_But no one will ever be compared, compared to you._ ”

All I do is keep looking into my husband’s eyes (husband- oh my God that feels so good to say), smiling when his eyes widen. I don’t think he realises I was going to sing. Well, here you go, Mathias.

“ _The heart gets slow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

_We all heal though-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

_You never know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

_To stay or go._ ”

Emil introduced me to this song. He was playing it in his room one night when Mathias was working late on a case. As soon as I heard it I knew. I knew I had to sing this to Mathias on our wedding day. I knew it was us. And hopefully this will be something he’ll never forget.

“ _But I know_

_A love like this will end in tragedy_

_You know_

_Every kiss suspending gravity_

_Burn us both_

_To love this close_

_We lose ourselves_

_And I know we won’t get out alive_

_But only the lonely survive._ ”

This has been an absolute rollercoaster, these past four years. I’m sorry I hated you at first, but that doesn’t matter. You changed me, and now I’m wrapped around your little finger (unintentionally on your part), hopelessly, irredeemably in love with you. Forever.

Things have a way of working out, don’t they.

“ _And I’m sure you thought of someone else, ah_

_Somebody not as complicated as myself_

_He’ll never scar you like I do, no_

_But he’ll never know you, not the way that I knew you._ ”

Look at you, all surprised. Your mouth has dropped open, your eyes are wide. And then, you begin to smile, looking at me with such a look of love that I just melt. Everyone else has faded away into nothingness and it’s just you. You are my world, Mathias.

“ _The heart gets slow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

_We all heal though-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

_You never know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

_To stay or go._ ”

I hated you. The very sight of you. I don’t know why. I’m incredibly sorry I was such a dick to you to begin with. It was uncalled for. And then you snapped at me. Showed me you weren’t a pushover like I had previously believed. We had started to understand each other that night. And I’m glad you did snap at me. If you hadn’t, would we be here now?

“ _But I know_

_A love like this will end in tragedy_

_You know_

_Every kiss suspending gravity_

_Burn us both_

_To love this close_

_We lose ourselves_

_And I know we won’t get out alive_

_But only the lonely survive._ ”

Later that night, you accidentally blew your cover. Who doesn’t lock a door to make a personal call anyway? You’re an absolute dumbass but you’re my absolute dumbass.

“ _Only the lonely survive_

 _Only the lonely._ ”

So I helped you. I had no other option really. I’m glad I did. From there we only got closer. You taught me how to act like a normal human being. I taught you how to not get yourself killed which you desperately needed. I’m still surprised you were able to stay alive before I found out that you were a cop.

The band joins in singing as they volunteered to be my backup singers. Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.

“ _(Survive at all)_

_Me and you get low_

_(Survive at all)_

_So why don’t you let go_

_Our undertow_

_Pulls us both though._ ”

You probably remember, Mathias, the night that stopped us from being such oblivious dorks, too terrified to make a move. God bless alcohol in that sense, I suppose. I still laugh to this day remembering your response to my “fuck”: “fuck is right”. I don’t know why that’s funny to me. But it is. Probably because it sounds like something you would say.

“ _Love like this will end in tragedy_

_You know_

_Every kiss suspending gravity_

_It hurts like hell_

_To love this well_

_But no one falls_

_The way we fell_

_We’ll burn alive_

_Only the lonely survive._ ”

Things only got better from there. We told each other we loved each other for the first time at that restaurant. You proposed to me and I died internally, content in the knowledge that you loved me for who I am, and that I should start loving myself. You got me out of there, albeit it came at a price. I still blame myself for what happened. I always will. But I just push it firmly to the back of my mind. And now we are here.

Married.

In love.

I’m your husband.

You are mine.

“ _Only the lonely survive_

 _Only the lonely survive._ ”

Just like that, it’s over. The music dies down, the people fade back in and all I do is grin at you, hoping that you liked it. Hoping that you realised how much of myself I poured into that.

“Oh my God, Lukas,” Mathias breathes, rising from his seat and making his way to me, although it’s not too far, I’m literally right next to him. There’s still a stunned silence until claps greet my ears but I don’t turn to look. No. I’ll have too many regrets if I look so I just keep focusing on him. “Sweetie- That- That was incredible- Oh my God-” He tears up again before pulling me into a hug, his breath tickling the back of my neck as he breathes heavily.

We part, he smiles, I smile back. His hand rises, cups my cheek, a smile still decorating his features, tears still in his eyes. Then Mathias leans in, pressing his lips to mine and my brain short circuits, the only thoughts circulating are about how this man is now my husband.

And so that was that.

Our lives were finally quiet and peaceful after everything that had happened.

All we need to do is love each other. And we do. Every single day.

Sometimes we’ll get people asking us how we met, the events that led to us becoming a couple.

And you know what Mathias tells them?

He says it all begins with the best bakery in the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first finished fanfic. Ever. And I'm probably going to cry. I'm not ready to say goodbye to these dorks. Not in the slightest (which is why I'll make spinoff one-shots and probably a sequel one day lol)
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, and this fic as a whole! Thank you all so much for going on this incredible journey with me, I'm so glad you were here for the ride!   
> ~Peanutsfan1

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank Lumassen for their help with this fic. They were very encouraging and helpful whenever I was stuck writing the first chapter.
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on this fic in the comments! :)


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